how many bears make up a bear minimum
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Me: how about if I scrunch down a little more
DMV Photographer: you absolutely cannot have your horse in this picture
[Afterlife]
“I died in WW2 fighting nazis”
“I died in Syria fighting terrorists”
Me: (confidently) you guys heard of the tide pod challenge?
Picture a fox. Wrong. They are smaller than that.
Welcome to your 40s: you can do yard work or you can walk tomorrow, your choice.
After years of music lessons my kid asked me what an F hashtag was so clearly I can stop saving for Juilliard
PHILOSOPHY MAJOR: humanity is at risk
STEM MAJOR: because global warming is affecting sea levels
ENGLISH MAJOR: is it affecting or effecting
What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.
What I actually buy in Aldi:
Shout out to the top 5 geons in the world, dun, smid, blud, pi and neurosur.
I got the Pfizer vaccine and pso pfar pno pside effects.
Me: Hey guys! What did Dad serve for dinner while I was gone?
My kid: (with a blue mouth) chicken nuggets and Play Doh
Unfortunately I’ve determined that sucking up is part of human nature because it works and yes my boss DID look very nice today…
e=mc2 was just Einstein comparing himself to other rappers
Is it normal for a cat to get smarter? When Max was a kitten he was really dumb but now he reads at an 8th grade level
told someone i’m as “single as a pringle and as neato as a dorito” then they blocked me immediately
Mom (on phone): your uncle had a heart attack. he was playing tag with his grandkids
Me: oh no
Mom: it was a little touch and go for a while
Me: are you seriously explaining tag to me right now
‘It’s the thought that counts’ doesn’t work on housework.
Good try though.
Today I learned that while playing vintage Mario Bros, screaming “GO DOWN” when you can’t get Mario to go in the pipe leads to some awkward questions when your parents overhear you.
Me: *leaving flowers* We miss you Auntie Anne
Cashier: Sir, this is a pretzel stand
Me: I know but her actual grave is like, really far away
Dumped girl on The Bachelor: “What’s wrong with me?”
Well, Lindsay, you’re on a TV show to find a husband. What ISN’T wrong with you?
You know you’re ordering too much takeout food when the delivery guy replies ” it’s me” when you ask who’s at the door.
When I say I’m tired, the “of people” is silent
Which letter is the silent one in the word “scent?”
Is it the “S” or the “C?”
I thought it would be funny to show my young coworker a picture of myself from 20yrs ago and say, “Nightshift is hard. This is me before I started working here 4 years ago.” She looked horrified, which was funny, but I still decided not to tell that joke anymore.
It’s dumb to call the Super Bowl winner “World” Champions. With all these UFOs they should be called Intergalactic Champions
I have a divorce case where I’m seriously considering hiring community theater actors to come into court and read all the text messages for the record.
Homework. The teachers’ way of knowing how smart the parent is.
Toddlers be like, “excuse me madam that’s my emotional support Walmart receipt.
I recently purchased some really good kitchen knives so now I have to stock up on bandaids because I clearly don’t know how to use really good kitchen knives.
[therapy]
me: I’m really trying to change
therapist: that’s great
me: I want to be become a different person
therapist: how
me: *squeezes eyes closed* telekinesis
therapist: no
why are the variants starting to sound like new iphones 😭