me: im fine, everything’s fine
my search history: i beg to differ
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Me sliding into hell like
I think one reason babies cry on planes is because flying sucks & babies aren’t liars like you & me.
I’ll complain about the government invading my privacy after I tell you where I am on Facebook and posting what I’m eating on Instagram.
Personal trainer: you must learn to listen to your body
My body: lifting weights is difficult, go play video games and eat ice cream
If I refer to myself as, “sauced up,” it probably just means I have honey, BBQ and ranch to dip my nuggets in.
“Hi, I’m calling for info on your bicycle on Craigslist.”
It’s heavy, brown, has new shoes, and loves carrots. It’s definitely not a horse.
Kylo Ren: We must find Luke Skywalker
General Hux: Why? He won’t fight & you don’t need training.
Kylo: He might have cool Vader souvenirs
I’m the CEO of Boeing and I’ve been screwing up the planes on purpose. People were never meant to fly and I got tired of waiting for the gods to punish humanity for its hubris.
I had a race with a smart car today.
I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.
The sentence, “The quick brown fox jumps over a lazy dog.” uses every letter of the alphabet and is also very judgmental about the dog.
Ignore her and she’ll go away, to buy a gun, but she’ll go away.
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
News: IKEA pledges 1 billion euros to help slow climate change.
But knowing IKEA, it will take forever to put the money together.
“Susan cancel my 2 o’clock”
Both hands stuck in Pringles cans again? Here let me help
“no no no I need to learn to do this on my own”
It’s really disturbing how that bear family in those Charmin commercials are so open with each other about shitting.
Just bought a new umbrella for the person that finds it tomorrow.
plot twist: satan sold his soul to me
ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.
dude in this airport saw me reading and said “oh you like literature, have you heard of……. charles dickens” and i said no
Me: The dog’s eaten the remote control
Wife: Then get another one[later]
Wife: Change the channel
Me *petting 2 dogs* how?
What if IN DA CLUB was a Christmas Song?
God inventing the fox: How’s about a dog… but sexy?
I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.
I miss those two years in the nineties when instead of using sarcasm we’d just say the opposite of what we were thinking followed by “NOT”
ME: my clothes are getting smaller
WIFE: you’re probably just putting on a little weight
ME: *pulling lint from dryer* then explain this
*calls psychic hotline*
Psychic: how can I help you?
Me: well this is bullshit.
King: and you’re sure ALL the horses are helping, right?
King’s man: [watching a dozen horses smash eggshells into dust with their hooves] define helping
My dad says “sometimes I say shit just so she’ll give me the silent treatment!” True love! 🙂
bully: [grabs journal] what’s this? “tweet ideas”?
me: hey give that back 🙁
[he opens it and the only entry reads “hobo is short for homeless boneless”]
A guy came up to me and said he loved my car selfies. Well, it was a cop and his actual words were “This ticket is for distracted driving.”