My dog: Look, they were over baked. Sooo, you’re welcome.
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I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
Sorry I used your baby’s bald head as a lipstick blotter.
“Grapey.”
-me after every wine at the wine-tasting
A new study says vegetarians
die younger than smokers, on average, so don’t smoke your vegetables…
[tightening roller skates]
“stop worrying about me mom, I’m in a very dangerous gang, but we are really fast”
me: this haunted house is so scary
wife:
me: look at all the spooky witches
wife: we are in a house of mirrors
me: oh no they seem mad
Finally!
My parents sold their house like a month ago but my mother JUST realized she did not uninstall the special fire alarms she had put in that are a recording of her own voice screaming at me and my sister to “GET OUT OF THE HOUSE BECAUSE MOM’S CANDLES CAUGHT THE HOUSE ON FIRE”
Someone gave me a star as a gift. I’m planning on sprucing it up with some planets and asteroids and using it as a summer vacation spot.
“Single use consumables are destroying the planet,” I yelled at her as I tossed another condom into the washing machine.
I still haven’t used my new mace, this apocalypse is bullshit!
Them: Ok we need to create good plastic packaging for cakes and cookies
Satan: MAKE IT REALLY LOUD
It’s the 20th anniversary of Infinite Jest and the 6th anniversary of my buying Infinite Jest and never getting around to reading it.
One time we sold our house and when we were moving my husband commented how the blinds never collected dust. “Let’s try to buy those same blinds!”
Me, the invisible duster: ok
I always carry a yoga mat with me so I can take a nap right after eating at the Golden Corral.
[me, explaining my weird bedroom TV setup to my date]
We can watch whatever you want as long as it’s YouTube, Netflix, or any of the Jason Bourne movies b/c those are the only DVDs I own.
About to shave my legs let me know if anyone is interested in buying extensions
*Signs into Facebook
“If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve me at my best” is posted everywhere
*Agrees
*Deletes Facebook
DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?
*takes you out several times then acts distant*
just once I want a doctor to ask if I’ve been eating enough potatoes
recruiter: u should join the army
octopus: buddy I’m army enough as it is
[inventor of cursive] what if the letters held hands
Keep your friends’ cake
and your enemies’ cake.
My two-year-old just made up her own ukulele song. It seems to be called “Even if I was never born (I would still want a popsicle)”
Not saying dogs are better than kids in every aspect; but good luck finding a kid willing to lick up his own vomit.
Kale: i strengthen the immune system
Avocado: i’m a healthy fat
Quinoa: i provide fiber & protein
Deep Fried Twinkie: i cause diabetes
Me: six twinkies please
[blind date]
HER: I’m a ghost writer
ME {trying not to look too scared}: When did you die?
I use my imagination to solve problems.
And by imagination, I mean booze.
AROMATHERAPY CONUNDRUM:
Spilling a large bucket of Lavender oil all over your carpet: Very stressful, or very relaxing? #retweet #grief
Hot seniors in your area want to complain about the weather