*shows up to date with broken nose*
“What happened?”
Hurt myself playing football
“How?”
Threw the controller at a wall and it bounced back
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At this stage of my life, “Good in Bed” means not snoring or stealing the covers.
Why did they call it a parish and not a priestcinct?
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me: “I was born this way. You should have seen the tiny wheelchair in the ultrasound.”
I get my eyes from my Dad & the ability to find something wrong with almost anything from my Mom
My kid is not a good sleeper so I’ll fight pretty much anyone about pretty much anything.
7 came home to a “7” balloon on his birthday & asked “Why is there an upside-down L balloon here?” & I’m really excited because now I can spend his college fund on that tummy tuck with a clear conscience.
Twitter is the only place where you encourage strangers to follow you. What could possibly go wrong?
SON: What will happen when I die?
DAD: Well son, you know how all dogs go to heaven?
SON: YA-
DAD: You’re not a dog.
At what point should you worry about your drinking?
I bet it’s before your kid builds a Lego brewery.
Just when I’ve finally gotten everything cleaned and put in the dishwasher, my kid comes marching in with her museum collection of dishes and cups
I’d like to schedule a disappointment.
me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose
CDC: no
wife: hey…HEY
me: *takes out earbuds*
wife: would you like to see your newborn son for the first time?
me: *puts earbuds back in*
If you love someone let them go.. If they come back just be yourself they will be gone again in 2 days😬😂
I’m forced to conclude that not liking my tweets is a you problem.
Children are our future. Clean burning. Renewable. Children.
Me: baby, with you every friday is good friday
Wife: aw that’s sweet
Jesus: wow
Sid Miller out here wasting a week’s worth of drafts in the past hour.
DATE: {seductively} What’s your type?
ME: {seductively} One sec.
[2 minutes later]
ME: Ok yeah, love you, no I’m on a date, mom she’s the one trust me, thanks again, ok bye. {turns to date} She said B positive.
[leaving for vacation]
Me: Do we have everything?
Kids: Yes!
Me: Let’s go!
[5 min up road]
Son: Dad, where’s mommy?
Me: *makes u-turn*
She went out this morning for milk and lovingly announced upon her return that she’d bought me two donuts, then when I wasn’t looking she unlovingly ate one.
me: sorry I have to go my, uh, cat is texting me
date: omg just tell me you’re not interested
cat still texting: THE GOOD LITTER HAVE I MADE MYSELF CLEAR
Wrapped gifts: boring, predictable
Burying the gifts around the yard: creative, perplexing
Thank God for that one person who gets on the elevator and takes charge.
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[I just learned that different colors of the heart emoji mean different things]
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My grandma married 2 men named Grover. I think she just had a thing for the name Grover, because she also married 2 women named Grover
A pasta maker is just a Play-doh toy for adults.
My kid just said his dinner tasted like cat litter.
Not sure if I should be offended or wonder how he knows what cat litter tastes like.
You know what they say about poison ivy – leaves of three, run screaming away and spend the rest of summer inside binge watching Netflix because Netflix never gives you rashes.
Christmas time is my Mom asking me what size shirt I wear and then telling me I’m wrong.