I never understood why people get buried in suits. When I die bury me in my PJ’s. If I’m gonna be sleeping that long I wanna be comfortable.
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My ability to attract girls has increased exponentially since I started my new hobby ‘crying whilst pushing round an empty stroller’
“Don’t tread on me.”
– out-of-order sign on a treadmill
Dog kids: ughhh, homework for dinner again?
Dog mom: I had to wait outside his bedroom for three hours for him to fall asleep so I could steal this, you ungrateful little shits.
[describing criminal]
“Blond hair and brown eyes and…uh…what’s with the green paint?”
BOB ROSS: There’s always room for a happy little tree.
“I’m not drunk, I’m a zombie…”
~Me passing out candy on Halloween
can we get some a.i. to pick plastic out of the ocean or do all the robots need to be screenwriters?
[First day as a Waiter]
Customer: Waiter, my fish has glass in it.
Me: Probably what killed it.
One day my dad was outside watching a thunder and lightning storm and my mom brought him a metal chair to sit in.
A love story
Husband: Why are you always talking to yourself?
Me: Because she agrees with me.
Also me, to me: Is he always like this?
“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”
The initials of the Sri Lankan players read like DOS commands. MKDIR, CHKDSK.
In today’s Zoom meeting my foot got caught on my office chair hydraulic lever & I slowly sunk down out of view like a sinking ship leaving my coworkers in wonder
girlfriend: are you really dipping THOSE in honey mustard?
me: yeah babe, the sauce isn’t just for the nuggets
girlfriend: it’s definitely not for the ice cubes in your soda
I’d like to thank the British for wearing red coats and making it easier to shoot them 238 years ago. We couldn’t have done this without you
My wife says I’m too trusting. At least he says he’s my wife.
[dunk tank baptism] *to little boy* you only have 3 chances or this clown doesn’t get into heaven
I need a way to keep fit that will make me look like a crazy person so no one will approach me while I do it.
-inventor of powerwalking
I asked my doctor if this heavily advertised, extremely ineffective medicine with many frightening side effects might be right for me.
Me: *standing on the subway platform*
Subway employee: “Sir, your feet are in the salami.”
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a tired person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
I never believed in hypnosis until I spent six straight hours staring at the bakery’s rotating pie display case.
WHAT are birds so happy about at 7am? What? Oh, right. Pooping while airborne. Good one.
If you fill your girlfriend’s hair dryer with talcum powder & glitter you end up with an angry ex-girlfriend who looks like a sparkly ghost.
I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.
“If someone wanted to murder you, a night light wouldn’t stop them”
I will never lie to my future children.
My therapist: and what do we say when we’re sad
Me: add to cart
My therapist: no
{4 turtles are stuck on their backs.}
Cop: What’s going on here?
Me: Snow angel contest for free pizza.
Cop: …Who’s winning?
Me: Shredder.
Me: ‘Anyway, I think the songs here are just kinda made up and pretty terrible.’
Priest: ‘This isn’t how confession works.’
Registering the death of my Uncle Arthur at the coroners office and when asked for the deceased’s name, I replied “A. Smith” The coroner then asked ” A for?”, to which I replied “Apple”. I”ve never lived it down and my wife constantly brings it up over 30 years later.
If Donald Trump becomes President,
The rest of us should be able to just walk into any hospital & start working as doctors