I hate starting new relationships . I gotta act like I ain’t crazy for two months.
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[I find a mysterious note in kitchen]
“LEAF 1 MILLLION UNMARKD DOG TREETS N BAKYARD BY SONDOWN OR WE RELEASH PICHURES OF U PETTIN A CAT”
[trying to prove that I’m stronger than my 13 year old] best two out of three
my friend: [just got fired from his job] what a day
me: [got to the gym and only my left headphone worked] you have no idea
God bless the hundreds of people doomsday prepping at Costco right now and still eating the little food samples sitting out for everyone to touch #coronavirus
“It’s terminal-”
GOD! HOW LONG DO I HAVE?
“Departure time is in three hours.”
THREE? WHAT DO I DO?
“This is an airport.”
SO WHAT? I’M DYING!
[1st night w/Russian bride]
“take yr panties off”
[smaller panties underneath]
“them too”
[even smaller panties underneath]
“damnit…”
Am I supposed to present a monologue play while I use this toilet? Wtf is it on a stage for.
flight: scheduled to depart at 3 pm
my parents at 4 am:
My daughter, the world’s worst hider, asked me to play hide & seek. I counted to 20 and began a search that eclipsed 10 minutes. I was truly stumped, then I heard her playing in the backyard. “I thought you wanted to play hide & seek?” I asked. “Oh, yeah,” she said. “I forgot.”
Me: *on safari naked*
Elephant: *staring* how do you eat with that thing?
Whenever my car won’t start I open the hood so I can have a good look at all the things I don’t understand.
friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
As soon as I walk in, I can feel every woman at the gym dressing me with their eyes.
I’ve been cutting the chocolate milk with regular milk so it will go further and my kids have never noticed. I would’ve been a really good drug dealer.
Can’t, going through the work email I just wrote with a fine tooth comb to eliminate all traces of sarcasm, opinionation, and existential despair.
Waiter, Waiter, will my pizza be long?
No sir, it will be round.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
DOG 911: what’s ur emer-
DOG: A FURRY THING IS BEHIND ME
DOG 911: can you bite it?
DOG: I CAN’T SPIN FAST ENOUGH
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Doctor Informs Patient Weird Lump On Neck Nothing He Can Afford To Worry About
What’s your stance on public intoxication?
Mine is very wobbly.
wife: I found a hypnotist who can fix our oldest sons disobedience & dandruff
me: [nodding] a good heir conditioner
Missed connections: I was the guy in the Subaru listening to NPR; You were the river I briefly considered driving into.
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re sad?
Fleabag: Go to church.
Therapist: Good.
Fleabag: To flirt with the priest.
Therapist: No.
Instead of saying you’re gluten intolerant, just say you go against the grain.
I dream of writing a fat woman’s cookbook. I’ll call it, “50 Shades of Gravy.”
First rule of flight club…no penguins.
If you’re on the fence about getting your kid a cellphone, my MIL stopped calling me and calls my kid instead
I am “I have to go to bed because my back hurts from sitting on the couch” years old.