Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.
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Can’t. Being lazy.
Newborn babies implies there are oldborn babies and honestly that’s terrifying
Oh, you got a promotion? Congratulations! I got a promotion at home: my kids unanimously voted me “the WORST.”
REPORTER: Today a 25-year old dog is playing dead for the first time. It goes to show that old dogs really can learn… Oh goddamn it.
“Hello?”
“Hi it’s me”
“Oh hi me”
I hate it when I take a picture of myself and see 20 years of bad eating habits and no exercise
[takes e-cig from guy beside me & takes a hit] dude, your e-cig is broken
GUY BESIDE ME: give me back my clarinet
Stop wasting ur 20s complaining about how it’s hard to make friends and start screaming “oh my god I love your bag” from across the street
DOG BOSS: Any messages for me?
DOG ASSISTANT: just one from Mr. Agoodboy
DOG BOSS: who’s Agoodboy?
DOG ASSISTANT: *tail starts wagging*
If you’re ovulating and have sex standing up…
Is it called a standing ovulation? Asking for a friend
You really shouldn’t drive when you’re tired.
I couldn’t believe it that my child seemed to be more receptive than normal when I asked her what she did at school yesterday. Happy to be asked even. Then she said.
“Things. We did things”
Do you think about random little things that occurred during your childhood a lot? Like once when I was 6 I saw a man take a bite from the serving spoon of mac n cheese at Golden Corral and have never been to a buffet since.
Me: Time to give the undergoblin the Ol’ Razzle Dazzle…
Gynecologist: We’ve talked about this…Please, stop.
A guy on Tinder just asked me what my Social Security Number was. I was so thrown – I’m really not used to men taking an interest in my life.
I have eaten 16 of this car salesman’s tic-tacs while he was away from his desk. He wasn’t even gone long. I just can’t be unattended around tic-tacs.
As the Lord intended
“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.” – A man who owned other men.
I’m against the marriage of anyone whose first instinct is to film and then show the world their elaborate proposal.
good work, everybody
Her: I want to travel the world in the new year
Me: I can see the whole universe in your eyes..
Her: I WANT TO TRAVEL THE WORLD OKAY.
[before sex]
HER: did you bring protection?
ME: heck ya I did *slowly reaches into back pocket and pulls out nunchucks*
WIFE: how’s dinner
ME: these mashed potatoes are dank
WIFE: is that bad or good
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: I don’t know
People with little chains that go from a nose piercing to an earring probably just got sick of losing their ears.
imagine a dolphin. now imagine a small dog. folks there is plenty more where that came from
WAITER: Would you like Parmesan cheese on your meal?
ME: Yes
WAITER: Say when
ME: Well now makes the most sense
Movie theater: Please silence your phones.
Me, who hasn’t taken my phone off silent since 2012: *double-checks*
[eulogy]
line?
Stay vigilante (if you see something, stab something)
I didn’t believe in karma until I was scheduled to work at 6am on a holiday.