Your first mistake was trusting me with leftover tiramisu in the fridge
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Asking people if they’ve started watching that show I recommended so they stop messaging me when I’m not in the mood to chat.
Me: (seeing 16 walk into house shivering in short sleeve shirt) When you left the house, you were wearing your new hoodie. Where is it?
16: She didn’t bring a jacket. She was cold. She’ll just give it back to me tomorrow. Why are you laughing?
I was eliminated as a contestant on Fear Factor after running screaming from a bee.
The glasses you choose should say something about you. For instance, “I can’t see.”
*training the dog to sit*
Me: So you’re already low to the ground, but you must get lower.
Day 16,607:
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope
Wife: Well, they say a mirror adds ten pounds.
Me: That’s a cam-
Wife: …
Me: Yes. Yes they do.
“Can I have one?”
“Only if you do the thing.”
“Do I have to?”
“Yes, and you have to do the voice.”
“𝘴𝘪𝘨𝘩… Harry Potter must not return to Hogwarts!”
imagine being born on january 1st, you gotta wait a whole year just for it to be your birthday lol
Office printers are like predators that can smell stress.
Our wedding pic looks like my wife’s selfie photo bombed by me.
SON: Can we have ice cream for dinner?
ME: [already ate all the ice cream for breakfast] Sorry kid, that’s not a proper meal
A group of crows is called a murder.
A group of people walking slowly in front of me at a store, is called motive.
#notsorry
As a responsible parent, I gave my kids a healthy breakfast of strawberries w/ milk & a little sugar…
frozen.
OK IT WAS ICE CREAM!
FitFam?
ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned
VET: This is a dog
I’ve never seen Les Misérables, but it looks like a cool movie about people who sing while working at Urban Outfitters.
Maybe Tailgate wants to be banged. Did you ask? You don’t know.
There’s panic and then there’s can’t-find-your-tampon-string-panic.
i hate the assumption that people who get up early are doing it to be productive. i’m up at 6:30 am to watch movies
EARTH: Goodnight Moon
MOON: Goodnight Earth
EARTH: Come closer and give me a kiss
MOON: Okay
{millions perish in massive tidal wave}
The English are truly the most remarkable people to ever exist. They traveled all across the world and saw food from every culture, and were just like “no thanks we already have beans on toast.”
I mean I’m over it but I’m definitely going to bring it up again after a couple drinks
Sex Ed should require them to listen to a crying baby for 5 hours, and to watch the same episode of a cartoon over and over again.
It’s almost as if the kids at this campsite don’t get how funny it is that I bust in their tent at 4am wearing a clown suit & holding an ax.
Bagpipes.
An octopus-shaped instrument in a plaid skirt that sounds like a Canadian goose with a foot trapped in an escalator.When played with proper accompaniment, they somehow sound marvelous!
My friend used a fancy new charcoal soap and now she looks sketchy.
HIM: *touching a scar on her hand* What’s this one?
HER: *giggling* I burnt myself getting pizza rolls out of the oven
HIM: *touching a scar on her arm* And this one?
HER: pizza rolls
HIM: What about—
HER: I dunno what to tell you, bud. They’re all gonna be pizza rolls.
Sometimes I like to put on a dark wig, a floppy hat, and huge sunglasses, and pretend I’m a mystery woman.
Sadly my husband keeps recognizing me.
At my age, “getting lucky” means being able to find my car in the parking lot.