Lesser known historical fact: Abraham Lincoln’s hat was so tall because he kept an upright Chipotle burrito in there
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Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.
I think my neighbor is very sick. I have now seen him putting no less than six of his arms in his garbage over the past year.
Marriage is your wife:
– Saying you are “the smartest person she knows”
– But not trusting you to buy the right items at the store to make a salad
by age 35 you should have saved enough money to hire someone from the dark web to murder you
Nobody:
Mime:
Mute person:
Fight club member:
Parrot:
Torturer who just boldly claimed he had ways of making people talk: oh no
The first time your kids play together quietly and you skip checking in on them is the last time you don’t get up like a bat outta hell to see what’s up.
[•[•[•[•[•[•[•_•]•]•]•]•]•]•] Lego guy gang comin right at u
This is your captain speaking. Those of you on the right side of the plane may have noticed 3 pyramids. This is 3 more than we were expecting to see in Barcelona. Anyway, does anyone have google maps?
Groundhogs around the world are sitting around complaining about Phil and how ‘he doesn’t deserve the fame for doing what ANY groundhog can do!’
A Pringles Tube but for Donuts
ME AS A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR:
I signed you both up for Tinder*1 week later
ME: You still want a divorce?
THEM: OMG NO THAT WAS HORRIFYING
Her: is it in yet
Me: *fumbling with phone charger behind bed* don’t rush me
*singing* Got a feeling 22 is gonna be a good year
“Israeli scientists train goldfish to steer car”
It’s -45° and my polar bear won’t start.
If life was fair, salad would cause weight gain, and we’d have to eat a lot of chocolate to lose it all back.
If somebody at a party tells you they’re a writer, get excited, hold up the nearest book, and ask, wide-eyed, “DID YOU WRITE THIS?”
To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing
I cheat on my taxes by sleeping with other people’s taxes.
[first day as a chiropractor]
assistant: all your patients are complaining
me: I mean…it’s my first day, I’m still trying to get the hang of it
assistant: ok, but do you really have to sing “baby got back” every time?
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
he had the eyes of a man who just dropped his ice cream
*sees a car with a “how am i driving” bumper sticker*
*calls the phone number*
ME: buddy i think it’s with a steering wheel
My 6 year old has already asked me 4,327 questions this morning. I’m seriously considering getting another Vasectomy just to be safe.
TSA AGENT: take off ur shoes please
ME: [hiding counterfeit pokemon cards in my shoes] the dude in front of me said he has a grenade
I haven’t been to France, but I saw Ratatouille, so I get it
People who use the lift to go up one floor will be wiped out by natural selection
What idiot called it a driver’s test and not a Game of Cones?
Amazing how a fight can break out at the grocery store over something as simple as knocking over someone’s cart and demanding they fight you
Apparently you’re not supposed to tell “That’s what she said jokes” during the Board meeting because it’s “inappropriate”
1st snow: let’s play in the snow!
2nd snow: let’s watch movies about snow.
3rd snow: let’s move.
dr pepper just lost her medical license. 😔 now she’s just ms pepper. 😂 bet you thought i was going to say mr pepper! 😒 no. ✋🛑 dr pepper has been a woman this whole time. 😜 unlearn your internal biases!👩⚕️ she lost her license for throwing a baby in the trash ⛹️♀️👶