ME: *lying on deathbed*
DEATH: get off my bed
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Intimidate your opponent by fielding a team of flying monkeys
6-year-old: Can I have some Oreos?
Me: You have the flu.
6: I’m sick, not dead.
I told my tween to exercise so he sat on the couch and told me he was exercising — his right to freedom. I was mad, mostly that I never thought of that one myself.
As a new homeowner, I was excited to learn how to do carpentry, plumbing and electrical work. And now that I’ve destroyed it, does anyone want to buy a house?
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂❤️
6YO said she’ll never be able to appreciate winter, cause snow on the bushes reminds her of cauliflower
We say that elephants never forget, but it’s not as if they have much to remember. They don’t have PIN numbers or passwords. They never have to put the bins out. They can even guess what kind of elephant they are and have a 50/50 chance of getting it right.
Sometimes you think you only have one cat but after you stay home a week you find you have two that look alike.
I just met a woman who told me she had “trouble keeping weight on” in times of stress. I ate her.
It’s adorable how breakfast assumes we’re all able to fast.
i just want a guy i can call papi (not in the grandpa way)
dads be like “go help your mother” bro go help your wife
Job interviewer: “It says on your résumé that you went to Cambridge University.”
Me: “Yeah, I was visiting my sister.”
I killed an hour today. The other measurements of time are terrified of me now.
One of the most unforgivable sins is spilling your coffee because you’re texting while driving.
Spelling matters. My husband texted me that we’re very low on time.
Thyme. He meant thyme.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep…….
My neighbor accidentally called me “love” in a text looking for his cat and now we have more reason to never make eye contact again.
last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window
My friend just brought me a coffee and I started crying bc it was such a sweet and small but genuine act of kindness and she was like “I’m your waitress, you literally just ordered this” and that is just classic her I love her so much
[Space]
No-one: I can hear screaming
Two rotisserie chickens.
One for chicken noodle soup and the other as a backup for when you eat the one you wanted to put into the soup.
Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips during a bank robbery*
I just stopped by to water my horse.
You can lead a horse to water but it’s pretty crowded there because of all the men you taught to fish in that other proverb.
Soooo….. This what yall be doing huh🤣 🤣
At what age do kids learn to close doors after they’ve walked through them? I think it might be 29.
Moms are dying for the day they build a daycare inside a spa inside a Xanax factory inside a vineyard.
After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.