How it started How it’s going
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*puts bike helmet on 4*
my brain: now knock on it a coupla times
me: why?
brain: you just gotta
if your cat keeps trying to make noise but nothing is coming out, check and make sure they didn’t get stuck on mewt
My goal weight is:
2020 never happened.
science defines a baby as “a small smooth poopy man, no taller than a lamp”
snake: i’m poisonous, you better not upset me
me: ACTUALLY you being poisonous isn’t much of a concern to me! If you were venomous however—
snake: *biting my neck repeatedly*
I’m not afraid to double-text, it makes me feel like a Victorian gentleman gently throwing stones at a window to draw a lady out of her chambers
me: onion rings and a bottle of wine for the table
waiter: white or red
me: *trying to impress my date* whichever onion the chef prefers
The designer of the expanding universe, deviser of quantum theory and relativity – he’s really interested in who you sleep with. Sinner.
When an ex mansplains something to you it’s called “explaining”
My first thought after seeing some recent footage of UFOs in our airspace was, “Guys, could you come back at a better time?”
A cheetah stalking its prey would be jealous of the way I pounce on the Skip Ad button on YT once the 5 seconds are up.
me: *excitedly* this is my first time taking a train
conductor: *sprinting* GIVE IT BACK
Me: Better late than never!
Wife: …
M: Seeing red?
W: …
M: Go with the flow!
W: …
M: I’ll go buy tampons.
W: NOW, MISTER FUNNY MAN.
[reading The Night Before Christmas]
son: what’s a kerchief?
daughter: what’s a clatter?
son: what’s a sash?
daughter: what are coursers?
son: what’s soot?
daughter: what’s a peddler?
son: what’s a thistle?
me: *closing book* Santa is fake. It’s all fake. Goodnight.
2032. Predictive Text has been perfected. You idly check in on your lunch break to see what you & your best friend have been chatting about.
The Ten Commandments of Ayn Rand #XmasAMovie
Why hunt for vampires when you can just open a tuxedo shop and have them come to you? Work smarter, not harder.
Instacart: We are out of soap, would you like this substitute item?
Energy bar
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?
Nurse drawing her fifth vial of blood:
Almost done.Me: I’d hope. You gonna run tests or frame me for murder?
When my youngest brother was little he was being bullied and went to my parents for help. They told him “Sticks and stones may break my bones” they then asked him to finish the phrase and he said “but chains and whips excite me” he seriously thought that was he second part.
Me: New outfit?
Wife: This old thing? I’ve had it for…
Me: The bank sent me an alert on my phone.
Wife: …minutes.
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
[wonka factory in 2018]
Charlie: augustus is drowning
Oompa Loompa with a septum piercing: aren’t we all
Just googled “unsolved murders in my area” because I have some extra time and someone has to solve these cases.
When you take that selfie, make sure your bathroom mirror doesn’t look like a small mouse had a sex party on it the night before.
My friend keeps saying, “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
To save money, instead of going to the club, I just get drunk at home and yell “what?” into a mirror over and over.