God: you’re a mosquito.
Mosquito: what does that mean?
God: you feed on blood.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire?
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: you can fly.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire!
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: garlic repels you.
Mosquito: [happy gasp] i’m an itty-bitty vampire!
You Might Also Like
<during sex>
Me: Can we pretend I didn’t just call you Uncle Joe?
Her: Not sure, it’s pretty disturbing.
Uncle Joe: It didn’t bother me.
Hey! With the intention of somehow making you pay later for cheekily stealing those fries from me
The children seemed disappointed when I told them the best part about being an adult is going to bed early.
I would move hell over six inches for you
The urology match email should start with “Congrats, Ur-ine!!”
….I’ll see myself out….
“How’d that happen, Bill?”
“I don’t know.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, I’m just stumped.”
Just a reminder that a Cheesecake Factory menu counts as summer reading for your kids.
[APARTMENT KITCHEN]
GUY: *pouring cooking grease down the drain* i know i shouldn’t, but what do I care, i rent
[SUBTERRANEAN LAIR OF RAT PEOPLE]
RAT KING: *grease drops on his head* that man-thing is the first to die-die
RAT WORKERS: *about to breach the surface* yes-yes
[me at 22]
in a hurry, better run up this flight of stairs[me at 32]
i threw out my back because the toaster startled me
There are hospitals for the criminally insane. And then there are parliaments for the insanely criminal.
My 72 year-old mother just informed me she is going to her first “sex party” and doesn’t know what to bring.
After some delicate questioning, “Gender Reveal, Mom. It’s called a Gender Reveal.”
Me: Can I use it for my socials?
Mugshot Photographer: No.
It should be illegal for your legs to go numb while you’re pooping like what does my body want from me this is harassment and bullying
I made a bunch of “missing” flyers, hoping we can find all the telephone poles that disappeared, but now I have a new problem.
Projecting a movie onto my bedroom ceiling turns insomnia into incinema. No YOU shut up!
Not to brag, but I remember to take the cap off of a water bottle 75% of the time before taking a drink.
Today I’m approaching teens dressed like I’m from the future, locking eyes, and saying “Happy Presidents Day, sir” with a wink
Drug commercial…Don’t take this medication if you are allergic to this medication.
Oh, ok. That’s super helpful, thank you.
if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?
[emergency]
[super hero appears]
GUY: It’s Doesn’t-Understand-Rhetorical-Questions Man. Boy, am I glad to see you!
HERO: I…I don’t know
Just told my kids they had to share. Now they are dressed in long blacks wigs singing if I could turn back time.
[digging through lost and found]
Target employee: What are you trying to find?
Me: My son
Waking up on Friday thinking it is Saturday is like getting a fake ID and learning it’s expired.
If you can tell from my eye contact at the grocery store that I’m inviting you to race shopping carts, you’re my kinda people.
[Spelling bee]
JUDGE: Spell “Insubordinate”ME: *Lips on mic* No.
JUDGE: I don’t… where do we go from here?
Thoughts and prayers for my dog. The mail carrier showed up today like she does everyday.
*brings elephant to knife fight
*nobody talks about it
Relationship status:
My neighbour/girlfriend was kidnapped but she’s ok now, I was caught.
Bake cookies and the house smells good for 20 minutes.
Bake fish and 4 months later the house still smells like an episode of Deadliest Catch.