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Get yourself a man who talks constantly in his sleep. You don’t have to, but I did. Tonight he said “salad salad salad”, then he grabbed me, and continued to sleep.
I assume he meant I’m a delicious life-giving snack, but he may have been suggesting a diet.
Twitter is composed of all the kids who used to giggle in sex ed
I never have road rage, but if you have crooked bumper stickers, it’s on.
coworker: did you hear someone used all the charity money to buy snacks from the vending machine
me: *laughing nervously* that’s awful
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
Judge: You may
*benches 200lbs in 3 sets of 20 reps*
The defense rests
Love that ‘beat the number’ electronic sign speed game!
So fun when the officer celebrates your high score with the lights & a certificate!
Staring out into the horizon..
Me: this is so peaceful, tranquil & romantic
[Bf holding up a stuffed lion]
Bf:Ah zabenya za dabib du da
The only good thing about daylight saving time is tricking kids into bed early
I don’t need David Attenborough narrating animals I need Danny DeVito narrating divorce court
Me:
JK Rowling: the Whomping Willow was gay
If science is so great why do we only have one vegetable on the cob
boss: you’re fired
me: [slamming fist on couch] you woke me up for this?
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
[date]
Me, struggling to pronounce things on the menu: I’ll just have the chicken nouj-
Date: nuggets
Cop 1: There’s been another murder
Cop 2: I think I see a pattern emerging
Cop 1: Please. Put your knitting down and focus
A billion yahoo accounts got hacked, but the most surprising thing is that a billion people had yahoo accounts.
Cop: Why did you burn that building down?
Me: Because they keep sending emails after unsubscribing.
Cop: You’re free to go.
WIFE: Did you sleep with my sister?
INSOMNIAC: No
when you burst out your jeans
and then eat human beings
you’re a werewolf
Shout out to whoever scheduled Valentine’s candy to show up just as we’re all giving up on New Year resolutions.
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
police cars should play ice cream truck music when they’re pulling you over for something minor
Kid: Can we pleeease stop for ice cream?
Mom: What did I just say?!?
Kid: Don’t you remember?
“Ohhh, a knife! What are you gonna do, stab me or something?”
– Guy about to get stabbed bad
Chines crypto account who dm’ed me was suspended before I could respond. Can’t help but wonder, did I miss out on a great opportunity?
[Spider sits at computer and Googles probability of being eaten by human in his lifetime] Holy shit Sharon, COME SEE THIS
if ever got invited to the Grammys, I’d go dressed as the girl from The Ring.
Carrots cant float. But if you tie fishy wire to one and hang it in the air and look at it from far away, it almost look like its floating
If they stop texting back you need to assume they’ve died and move on. If you see them out just smile because you ain’t afraid of no ghost
wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?
me: sure *starts crying for hours*