deleted instagram because i’m sick of it and there is nothing on there that i want to see anymore. deleting my bank app for the exact same reason
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Me: I’ve always said I’d never get married again but there is one man that has changed my mind and that’s…
Him: Wow. *gets on one knee*
Me: …Mr. Bean
*Moses opens tablet*
You have TEN unread commandments.
Most girls: “I hangout with guys, there’s less drama.” Me: “I hangout by myself. There’s no drama & I don’t have to wear pants.”
a person who loves cats is not a cat person theyre a dog person who loves cats. a cat person is sombody who is completley apathetic to cats
Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the 16th.
WIFE: [walks in on me trying on Victoria’s Secret] OMG
ME: It’s not what you think! [shows receipt] They were on sale
WIFE: Oh thank God
[At Adele Concert]
Adele: Hello from the other siiiiiide
Me (shouting): Tell us your surname
Me: You are NOT alone in this pandemic.
Wife: *on the toilet* I really wish I were.
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
accidentally put my phone on airplane mode when i was in my car and the tires fell off
Show him you care by leaving the message “I see you” on his bathroom mirror.
SPELLING BEE
“Defiant”
Can I have the definition, please?
“No”
It’s impossible to slowly tiptoe around without activating T-Rex arms.
we shouldn’t limit ourselves to asking for autographs from actors and pro athletes and musicians. i want a work boot signed by the best forklift operator at the warehouse
Did it bother anybody else that the guy from that “Operation” game was clearly wide awake?
Doctor: I have good news!
Me: oh thank God
Doctor: Do you want to die?
Me: No!
Doctor: Right I thought you were gonna say yes ok I have bad news 🙁
Birds & Planes.
Nobody discretely coughs blood into a handkerchief while wearing a top hat anymore.
Preacher: He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword
Me: *sweating*
My neighbor (who is an actual sword): *glares at me from the end of the pew*
The Purge but instead of all crime being legal all cheese related products are free
I had two ribs removed so I could pet small dogs easier.
[choking to death on a sushi roll]
CO-WORKER 1: John, your mute is on.
CO-WORKER 2: John? Can you hear me? Your Zoom’s muted.
CO-WORKER 1: John, you have to turn off your mute.
CO-WORKER 3: I don’t think he realizes he’s on mute.
mfs take one picture in a suit then start posting quotes about success, just go to the wedding bro
bill nye is short for william new year’s eve
[at Chinese restaurant]
“Hi I’ll have a large goingon”-What is goingon?
“Nothing much, just hungry for some Chinese food”
ME: stop whining before I give you something to whine about
KID: wut? WhAt U gOnNa Do?
ME: change the wi-fi password
KID: nonononono I’m sorry
Him: why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: *covered in peanut butter and bird seed* it sure is a mystery.
I can’t find my toddler.
I can’t find the duct tape.
I’ve got a bad feeling about this.
HER: Im breaking up with u
ME: Is it because I say “Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s” when things go wrong?
HER: Ya
ME:(under breath) Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s