🤣🤣
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This documentary on tree frogs is absolutely ribbiting.
No YOUR addicted to correcting people’s grandma on the Twitter
You think your wife is crazy now?
Try divorcing her
She’s marrying HIM?! TODAY?!
*cut to me sprinting across town to stop the wedding but I see a good dog at the park and pet him instead*
Me: Quit knocking stuff off the coffee table
Cat: You aren’t my real father
Me: What?
Cat: Meow?
Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder.
We didn’t need tutors when I was a kid, we just cheated
I’m getting to the age where I could be a cougar, but Wikipedia says cougars are “slender and agile” which pretty much rules that out.
therapist: now, once again, stress balls are for …….
me: (sighs heavily)
stress balls are for squeezing, not throwing at people when I’m stressed
*Batman happily approaches Batmobile*
Wife: Forget it, Bruce! We have two car seats & need to go to Costco.
*Defeatedly gets in Batvan*
The orcas have been quiet, too quiet…
Hide-and-seek is just as much fun for adults, although it usually ends with someone getting hit with a restraining order.
Co-worker: I know I’m not everyone’s cup of tea…
Me: Yeah, you’re my glass of ipecac.
Do you have anything the size of an eyepatch on the left & a cantaloupe on the right?
– Me, bra shopping
I’ve always loved Batman cause I also blame my entire personality on my parents.
My wife is upset we can’t afford a vacation this year because I kept paying the kids to behave while I was driving
Solving a traffic jam
Whoever named the White House and the Pentagon also probably named oranges.
My inflatable house got a puncture
last night.Now I’m living in a flat.
[trick or treating]
“Oh, what a cute little…what’s she doing?”
Me: potty training.
“In my pumpkin?!”
Me: She likes the heated seat.
[jumps in getaway car after bank robbery]
“They said no I couldn’t have any money”
Damn it, they make it look so easy in the movies
I like to creep around my home and act like a goblin
Hi, I want to get a tattoo to express my individuality. Do you mind if I look through this book of tattoos you’ve done for other people?
The awkward moment when you say, “I love you,” then the pizza delivery guy says, “That’ll be $12.46, please.”
Superman: Cool underwater lair. Can I use the bathroom?
Aquaman: The what?
[training to be a meat cutter]
butcher: you’re gonna want to take notes
me: ok [pulls out marker and giant roll of paper]
[trampoline park]
me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*
Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit
The wife’s clearing out the fridge before vacation so I’ve a pork chop, 3 slices of ham and 6 bacon rashers for dinner. The sad thing is knowing I can never again love her as intensely as I do right now.
HONEY I ACCIDENTALLY FILLED THE BABY’S BOTTLE WITH RED BULL
Oh god, is he sick
HE’S GOT ME IN A HEAD LOCK AND IS SAYING I’M A NERD. CALL 911
[catching breath at friends house]
I was being chased by a bike cop so I threw up a left turn signal but actually turned right and it worked