My therapist thinks I should keep coming in for at least one more washer & dryer
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School is like ok lemme get you up to speed on all the wars you missed before you go to your job forever
I told the 8 clowns in a tiny cop car to “clown arrest me! Take me to clown jail!” And they did. Bail has been set at 150 banana cream pies.
A spider crawled out of the head of broccoli I was washing and that’s what I get for not ordering pizza
Cop: When the meteor landed on the Old Navy Store it obliterated the clearance section.
Me (also a cop): *Solemnly* Yes. There were many casual tees.
Elsa: 🎶 the cold never bothered me anyway
People of Arendelle: sorry to interrupt b-but some of us have literal hypothermia and-
Elsa: [shrug] well I’m not bothered
Fell down on the treadmill, got pudding everywhere.
I’m proud to announce that am winning my fight against sobriety.
me: umm did you tell your teacher that means pretend karate moves?
6: no
me:
Dear dinosaur naming people,
Parasaurolophus and Elasmosaurus could’ve been named Frank and Joe.
Sincerely,
The parents of small children
Some people wake up in the morning & are all like “omg I’m the luckiest person in the world” and I wake up all like “oh my god”
Hear me out….
A pub crawl, but to bakeries.
i haven’t seen a “turn $50 into $5000” post in a minute, y’all in jail now?
It’s really only a Supreme Court if it comes with sour cream.
nobody:
TV writers: first of all, nobody can explain anything quickly or clearly to avoid a misunderstanding
My stomach just made a really weird noise. I’m sending a pizza down to check it out.
Everybody has a method to their twitter madness. Don’t critique mine, and I won’t critique yours. If you don’t like how I do it, unfollow.
Me, a good parent: Oliver we talked about this [wrestling coat onto a walrus] u can still catch a cold despite your thick layer of blubber
barista calling out order: Gee Off
Geoff: It’s Geoff. I watched you write it on my cup as I spelled it out to you not five minutes ago
barista: nice try, Gee Off
I’m a cat person. I sleep all day and spend the rest of the time trying to convince my wife I haven’t eaten yet.
Now she’s falling asleep, and I’m calling a crab.
DON’T STOP BELIEVING!
…..but feel free to be somewhat skeptical from time-to-time
first date idea we walk around a graveyard and guess how people died
it’s time for sharks to evolve again. it’s been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.
-Me with beer, me without beer
My husband is putting the clean dishes away from the dishwasher so I need to leave the house to avoid damage to my eardrums
It’s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.
During a prostate exam #BadTimesToHighFive
Daughter: It’s Halloween…let’s do something really scary.
Me: You’re in luck…I’m just about to do the bills.
A Kids thought…..I found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mums bedroom.
I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero