My 3-year old daughter said “Daddy I love you” and when I was responding “thanks I love you too” she interrupted me to be like “also I love EVERYTHING.” I’m on the same level as an air fryer
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Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
Give your kid a phone so they can call in case of an emergency or tell you what they want to be for Halloween or say they saw a squirrel or
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad*
Me: Dad’s in the garage.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad but louder now*
Being a mom means saying things that shouldn’t be threatening in a very threatening manner. Like, “EAT YOUR CEREAL!” for example.
Detective: I need to dust for prints, but I can’t find my kit.
Me, eating Cheetos: Here’s a wild idea…
“He be dead.”
Who? Your English teacher?
Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time…
I was shocked.
If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then you’re a wizard.
My almost 3yo drew me a picture and when he gave it to me, I must not have reacted fast enough because he said, “say ‘awwww’ mama.”
My birthday is 9 months after the release of the movie Grease. So now I have to live with the truth that I was conceived while John Travolta was singing.
I often find myself singing in the shower, which can be extremely frightening. Is he a clone!? What is this place! SOMEBODY HELP ME.
Remember: You are like a snowflake. Beautiful. Unique. White. Only here for a short time. People get mad when you sit on their cars.
If you had let me finish, yes your baby looks like a disgruntled employee, but I meant of the month.
When teenagers behave well in the cinema: I believe the children are our future, teach them well and let them lead the way
When teenagers talk through the whole film: Why Won’t The Woke Left Let Us Smack Other People’s Children? – Me for The Telegraph
I spent over $200 at the grocery store yesterday which means there will be no food in my house by tomorrow.
this is how it feels as a teacher when a student complains about school
[1st date]
HER: I love when a guy speaks other languages
ME: <html><body><p>hey</p></body></html>
HER: *closes her browser, metaphorically*
There is literally no limit to how many Kevins you can be friends with.
subtitles are so good nowadays
Doctors say we need a bedtime ritual. Mine is replaying awkward moments from the day and obsessing on them for maximum sleep interruption.
If I litter my sidewalk and steps with those little pumpkins, does it keep people out or make them trip or what?
When I see a kid on a leash I assume they were a dog turned into a kid by a witch & the owners have yet to figure out how to turn them back.
ME: I’m gonna kick the shit out of you
PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist
My wife and I found each other on a dating website………3 years after we got married. That was awkward.
Told the kids me and husband were having adult time and under no circumstances were they to disturb us for the next 5-6 minutes
me: this is dave. every word he says is brilliant
friend: hi dave
dave: brilliant
Unlike in Westworld, “freeze all motor functions” does not stop my 3yo from trying to wash my phone in the toilet.
He pulled a rabbit out of his hat!
Also, a gerbil from his pants & a kitten from his coat.
The infamous “Pet Shop Burglar” had a good day.