Ladies, if he:
– doesn’t introduce you to his parents
– never calls you back
– has four feet
– smells like potato chips
– could easily be mistaken for a loaf of breadthat’s my pug, you’re dating my pug
You Might Also Like
Sheep
[taking my date for a walk in the woods]
HER: this sure is a dense forest
ME [trying to impress]: yeah it’s dumb as hell
If you’re out of wallpaper, you can always resort to using a few rolls of duct tape for that nice silver look.
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
There is no greater evil in this world than somebody who DMs you a picture of their moist slice of cake…knowing that you have no cake.
My favorite yoga pose is downward facing in a bowl of mashed potatoes
I don’t know what his crime was, but he seems like my kind of people.
M: I’m so glad school started!
12: Can you help me with my math?
M: OMG WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?!
[assigning roles]
god: the sun shall fuel all life on earth
sun: sounds good
god: and the moon shall make tiny waves and werewolves
moon: hell yes
Take it easy, Officer. You act like you’ve never seen a woman with a car full of penguins before.
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Unbelievable.
Breaking news:
What my back needs
Me: Remember, you’re grounded today.
8-year-old: Why?
Me: For what you did last night.
8: You were supposed to forget about that.
No vegetables were harmed in the making of tonight’s dinner.
“no one remembers the weird thing you said at that party” actually the weird thing you said has become a sacred inside joke that bonded several people at that party together forever
Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.
me opening up to someone
3: mommy! Come look, I made a water fall
Me: oh dear god
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
You never need to ask if there’s something in my pocket. I’m never happy to see anyone.
okay but exactly how dangerous are these ducks?
Child: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [tweezing grey hairs growing out of my ear]: There is literally no greater joy.
My daughter lost her first tooth today and has not stopped crying since. Why she didn’t punch me back I have no idea
If she hides her money in her bra, that’s called a treasure chest.
if god isn’t real then where did I get this PS5 from hmm? That’s right I stole it from Kevin while he was at church THANKS JESUS
“You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You all get Biibbbllleess!!!!
~Poprah
It is easier to pass a camel through the eye of a needle than it is to convince somebody online that they are wrong.
[First day as a fighter pilot]
*punches every passenger in the stomach as they board*