Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.
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Every time I go to Baskin-Robbins their hamburger machine is broken.
Kids: We’re bored.
Me: Here’s a dime. Call someone who cares.
Kids: What?
Me: When I was a kid that was an insult.
Kids: Why?
Me: We had phones you had to put coins-
Kids: Why wouldn’t you just text them for free?
Me: So we didn’t have textin-
Kids: OMG HOW OLD ARE YOU
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
If Ariana Grande made a lot of money selling designer chokers her song would have been called Thank U, Necks
It’s 2018, and Benjamin Button is still writing 2019 on his checks.
@XplodingUnicorn LOOK WHAT ARRIVED TODAY!!! SO EXCITED!!! *Dances in place*.. 😊💃
Friends: Come get a drink with us after work?
Me: Nah, I gave up drinking for my New Year’s Resolution.
Friends: C’mon, just have one….
Me: Ok, maybe just one.
[ three hours later at the club ]
Me:
As someone with extensive IT experience, I can almost guarantee the AT&T outage yesterday was over some certificate expiring somewhere and nobody knowing how to regenerate it because Carl got laid off seven years ago and the only machine with the keys decommissioned in 2019.
wtf? Somehow in the past 9 months, someone has snuck in & shrunk my winter clothes
After just 1 hour of watching grandkids, my Fitbit called 911.
Some of my friends exercise every day, meanwhile I’m watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell on the floor.
A chicken running a marathon wears Ree-bokbokboks
Facebook should figure out a way to make baby pictures into a renewable source of energy because then we would never have to worry again
[bank heist]
leader: ok everyone put on your balaclavas
me: *looks down at box of freshly baked baklava* i think i’ve made a mistake
Sorry I said “nice phone” when you showed me a photo of your baby.
14 y.o.: OMG MOM!!!! Are you okay?!?! Do you need some water? Are you having a heart attack? Why does your face look like that?
⠀
Me: I’m not having a heart attack, I just ran for five minutes.
Always check your candy. I opened a bag of M&Ms and found a bunch of Ws.
[post-abduction]
ALIEN 1: Be not afraid, human. We will do you no harm
ME: Will I like Area 51 if I haven’t seen Area 1 to Area 50?
ALIEN 2: Let’s grab a different one
DATE: did I say something to upset you?
ME: *stabbing my pasta extra hard with my fork* everyone is entitled to their opinion about the best ninja turtle, Karen
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?(Lionel Richie, speed dating)
I just filled up my gas tank and went to a movie and bought a large soda and popcorn, I spent roughly 7000 dollars.
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I wanna punch them in the face and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
My son got mad unfollowed me… I disconnected his phone.
-I win
I’m what the New York Times once referred to as “an acquired taste…like bleach.”
Walked into a spider web and did an hour of tai chi in five seconds.
I text “just met my future husband!” to at least one friend after each first date, just to ensure someone has a cute anecdote to tell at our wedding
interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?
me : …so I can pay my electricity bills
Is your girlfriend wife material? I’m building a giant wife.