No I don’t want to ride in a basket beneath your giant flying fire tent.
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I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship
48 degrees & pouring rain. My neighbor is out running because “it releases endorphins”. I’m eating M&Ms and tweeting on my couch because it releases indoorphins.
Someone told me they dont get tattoos cuz “you dont put bumper stickers on a Ferrari” which was weird bc he was a 92 Chevy caprice at best
My husband broadcasts the Imperial March over Google home when my mother pulls into the driveway.
It’s scarier than any movie I’ve ever seen.
I am at my most pretend homemaker when I have a repair person in the house. Who me? Oh I’m just gonna sit here and handsew the trim back on this pillow and when I’m finished with that I’m going to sort my dried flowers for two hours.
“Let me get this straight, you got your asses kicked by four fully mature mutant ninja turtles?”
“No, sir, it’s actually worse than that.”
“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.
Me: Hey, do you want to go buy some-
Wife: YES!
But most of all, I regret that my actions have led to negative consequences for me
I’m not scared of clowns, I’m scared of the man who chooses to become one.
[3 am]
toddler *steps on my face trying to sneak into the bed*
me: You are the worst ninja ever
Parenting books don’t prepare you for the moment your seven year old asks for Brussels sprouts in his lunchbox
i wish it was legal to speak up during a haircut if theyre doing something you dont want. sadly you just have to sit there
me: hips like a canadian goose
girl in club: is that good?
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
Owls only seem clever because they’re nocturnal. All the people you’re comparing them to are drunk.
“So how was your day today at work?”
“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.” 🤦♂️😳🤯😂
Every time someone calls me an asshole, I stand up like I’m gonna do something about it. Then I just end up stretching while I wink at them.
An octopus should have eightacles, not ten.
do u think theres a butter planet?
this morning i found a spider trapped in its own web and i was like, dude, same
When I said I was afraid of the dentist, I meant the bill.
My friend sent me a picture of her baby and I don’t have a baby so I just sent her back a picture of a steak I cooked once.
Ghostbusters (1984): A large, jovial marshmallow sailor is burned alive amid the crossfire btwn humans and ethereal beings.
[at checkout counter]
Would ya like to donate $1 to-
-No
But you didn’t let me finish
-Is it $1 toward you shutting your mouth?
No
-Then no
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
It’s my son’s birthday this week; so we’ve been doing whatever he wants since he was born.
Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters it doesn’t contain?
Another wedding, another chance to show the family I still have a drinking problem.