no one ever comes back
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I played Dodgeball…
I got Bullied….
I ate Gluten…
I didn’t get Participation Trophies…
I turned out fine…
So will your kid…
Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.
A buddy gave me some of his pee in a jar so I could pass a drug screen. I failed, which is weird, cause I drank ALL of it.
*first day as a coach*
Me: ok gang so we should go with a zonal defence here, remember to watch the runners and stick to the plan, goooo team!
Player: *whispering* guys I don’t think coach has played golf before
Teens – Slay all day
20s – Rosé all day
30s – Bidet all day
40s – Bengay all day
Who knew that a fighter jet could be a flight risk?
I don’t delete my bad tweets because why should I suffer alone.
Him: Who’s The Man?!?
Me: Usually, not the guy who says ‘Who’s the man’….
If Twitter allowed us to attach a signature to each Tweet, mine would be : “He said, stupidly.”
Everyone you meet is going through some kind of struggle, and they also have something to teach you, so do NOT make eye contact.
As I told my 4 year old it was bed time she turned herself into a sloth and started walking really slow. So yes kids test your patience.
“Doc, my boyfriend & I don’t wanna get pregnant. He hates condoms & I think the jelly isn’t working.”
“What kind are you using?”
“Grape”
I’m no well-mannered seagull but I think they chose the wrong picture
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of enjoying coffee in the morning you can braid hair while I pack lunches and we can all be late.
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
Its not a joke, its a rope and I want you to put it around your neck.
he said he hasn’t touched my anti aging serum but one of his palms clearly looks younger than the other
The Three Little Pigs use the money from their life story to build the ultimate house.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I jokingly took credit for the inside Christmas decorations.
Why does Nike keep telling me to JUST DO IT? Maybe I don’t want to do it. I’m in my 50s. Maybe I just want to eat pizza straight out the box and take a nap
Microwave safe? It doesn’t seem like a sensible place to keep your valuables.
some of yall afraid to be corny but i was born on the cob
Fashion designers: What do you want?
Me: something that hides my belly fat, shows off my curves and something even an 80 year old would find comfortable
Fashion designers: we don’t do magic
stanley hudson: [on deathbed] I’m amazed I lasted as long as I did
michael scott: that’s what she said
SPIN INSTRUCTOR: you can do this, you just have to want it
ME, NOT EATING ICE CREAM SANDWICHES IN BED: neat. what’s another way?
what idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?
Got my son a bumper sticker
“Proud Child of a Twitter Dad” …and now he proudly displays it
on the inside of his trunk.
Heroic Misunderstanding