All parents share a common truth:
that children are wonderful, from the day they are born, til the day they can talk.
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9 has decided to write a book called “True facts about idiot humans”
And I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t worried about her source of information
when i am in a store i always seek out the dustiest corner and lay my eggs there
The real power of a man…
Is the size of the smile on his woman’s face sitting next to him.
My 3-year-old’s favorite game is Restaurant which just entails her putting on a chef’s hat and me ordering dessert and no matter what I order she says, “We don’t have that.”
If anyone wants a more cost effective energy provider, I can supply endless energy on tap from my absolutely not tired child at bedtime.
Even if you are fully vaccinated, you should not lick the escalator rails…
Her, 6: I have a secret
Me: What is it?
Her: I’m not gonna tell you… but it’s about a marker
Me: Oh no
Her: yeeeah
If I was on the Titanic I would have told the captain “Do not hit that iceberg,” saving millions in the process
MY SON, LINK: How did you name us, Dad? Did you name me after your favorite video game hero?
MY DAUGHTER, PATTI: And me after your favorite art rock singer?
MY OTHER SON, GROUND: And me after your favorite surface for standing on?
ME: *swallowing sausage* Well see—
three things we don’t talk about
[creation]
GOD: You all have a divine purpose
HORSE: I will plow man’s field
COW: I will give man milk
GUINEA PIG: I will test man’s shampoo
“how’d your football team football today?”
those footballers footballed quite well…really good footballin’
Please can I keep him – he followed me home!
Turn your trip to the grocery store into a ninja challenge by shopping strictly out of other people’s carts when they’re not looking.
Based on their level of excitement, bros in beer commercials seem unaware that you can pretty much buy beer anywhere.
Mixology students be like, “My mint leaf dissertation needs to slap.”
the host of the party told me to make myself comfortable so I went back home to bed
All my scars & bruises tell a story.
The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [starts testing all the smoke detectors]
The Titanic was unsinkable until Leo DiCaprio had premarital sex with Kate Winslett. Keep it in your pants until marriage kids.
I’m aging like a fine banana
I get real disrespectful with serving sizes. A bag is not gonna tell me what to do.
I swear people love me but my Uber score says differently.
[shopping]
My Son: This chair will hold up to 300 pounds!
Me: Why did you look at me when you said that?
interviewer: what’s your greatest strength
me: you tell me
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: delegating?
me: that’s right
*Attempts to use ‘I have a boyfriend’ meme*
Meme: I have a boyfriend.
Why yes, person on the Internet, I would love to make $596 per day sitting at home. Let’s do this!!!