Some people are like sunglasses. Your day just becomes so much brighter when you accidentally drop them off the side of the boat
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This guy must be getting annoyed by now
I read all tweets with poor grammar and word choice in a Cookie Monster voice.
My 2.5 yo pointing to table: Where’s sticker?
Me: the house cleaners must’ve removed it
Pointing to the wall: where’s crayon?
Me: the cleaners must’ve wiped it off
Pointing to toy bin: where’s singing bear?
Me: the cleaners must’ve thrown it out
…we don’t have cleaners
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
Frog: WAKE ME UP!
Snake: Wake me up inside!
I knew he was the one when I asked if he liked to hike and he answered “On purpose?”
“No i’m clearly not in a position to be giving you advice right now”
*gets down from doing a headstand*
“Ok, lay it on me”
St Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland, which was fantastic until they decided to become politicians
CEO: We need to come up with a brand name for these sticks of bread.
Guy who named the meatball: *takes deep breath
“Pharaoh, we have completed the pyramids. They align to communicate with the galaxy”
Sweet. Hey look at these stupid cats I drew LOL
This is up on a telephone pole in south Minneapolis and I am dissolved in laughter:
My college girlfriend texted me for the first time in 10 years this weekend and I’m 1 million percent sure this is Adele’s fault
I think one of the main reasons I don’t believe in reincarnation is because I don’t like the idea that I’ve done all this before and am still so bad at it.
i will not order eggs in a restaurant unless the chef personally lays them
[girl’s night out]
WIFE: I’m off then
ME: Okay
WIFE: Don’t do anything obtuse
ME: Pfft – give me a break!
{5 min later}
ME *googling obtuse*
Bake a cake with rum and no one bats an eye… Bake brownies with laxatives and everybody loses their shit!
Death hack: bury your loved ones with their fitness trackers for a low-cost early zombie alert system.
“Give me the bad news, Doc–how long have I got?”
“Your wife’s procedure will be an outpatient one so unfortunately you can’t go to Vegas.”
Is Bowser a kind of turtle that has spikes, or is he in some kind of turtle youth movement that wear spikes and wristbands and harbor bad turtle attitudes
I don’t own any guns, so I use a bat for home defense. If I die, at least my intruder will die from rabies.
I often walk through a little park where people walk their dogs. Yesterday I saw somebody walking their tortoise. The funny thing is LA dogs are so small I’m pretty sure that reptile could win in a fight.
I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying “get a load of this guy” every time someone walked in
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.
Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.
I see my dentist every six months to make sure my records are up to date for body identification.
When a waiter doesn’t write down the order and someone in your group asks for no pickles and you know that’s going to be thing that wrecks it for everybody.
Me: I don’t understand why no one takes me seriously.
Also me: *wearing Cheetos like walrus tusks*
Me: {drops lungs at dry cleaners} Moderate bleach, light press, air dry, and fluff before pick up my good man
“What kind of dog is this?”
“Well actu..”
“Hes cute”
*pets it*
“Sir thats my..”
*picks it up*
“Your a good dog arent you?”
“PUT MY SON DOWN”