My drunk neighbour just stumbled into a car, fell and then apologized to the car.
-Only in Canada
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Today our 4yo insisted on a large bowl of Golden Grahams, banana, and milk for breakfast, so long story short, my breakfast was 99% of a large bowl of Golden Grahams, bananas and milk
“Don’t worry my love, I’ll breathe for the both of us” I whisper as I drink directly from the wine bottle
I have a time phobia.
*looks at watch, panics
*looks at clock, panics
*looks at thyme “This I can handle.”
My vibe can loosely be described as “needs 2-day shipping for a book I probably won’t read for 7 months”.
I relate more to “Rice, rice, baby” – because Asian
Memo to self: When trying to set someone on fire, it’s important to use gasOLINE and not your own gas, no matter how much cabbage you may have had the night before.
“Fine mom! If you’re not going to let me have cookies, I’m gonna go in my room!!”
{inaudible whisper}
no. please don’t go.
I sexually identify as the toaster you want to bathe with.
“Can you tell me what the second to last letter in the alphabet is?”
“Y”
“So I can make a stupid joke”
Tombstones should just say how old the person was. I don’t wanna walk around doing grave math.
Having a personal trainer at the gym is like having that bully in school. They still terrorize you, but now they make you do pistol squats before taking your lunch money.
I’m at the “buy bigger jeans” part of my Eat. Pray. Love. journey.
some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me
Showed my mom a pic of a guy I thought was hot and she said he looked just like my dad when he was young and now Christmas is ruined
Blood is thicker than water, but maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
My one and only plan to get rich is to short Nintendo stock just before the internet finally decides that Italian stereotypes are racist
ME: My new contacts are here!
WIFE: Don’t put them all on at once like you did last—
ME: [eyes wide] I CAN SEE YOUR BONES
I saved $38 by moving the fish tank in front of the TV during “Ellen” and telling my kids it was Finding Dory.
I love it when people say “you’re going to miss these days,” like parenting toddlers isn’t an absolute hostage situation.
A sitcom about teen girl aliens called UFOMG.
Remember: if you see a tie on my doorknob, it means I’m taking the door to prom
I’ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn’t just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.
Don’t worry about the people that drink Coke or Pepsi, worry about the ones that say “I’m fine with either”
Ugh, I may have lost my “World’s Best Dad” keychain. My 2 year old was playing with it an hour ago but I don’t know where she went.
Husband: “How do the kids keep getting sick?”
Me: [picturing all the things the toddler licked last week] “No idea.”
Her: “How is it possible for anyone to be an idiot all the freakin time!” Me: “I know, I’m completely exhausted.”
NETFLIX: Skip intro?
ME: Yes.
NETFLIX: Okay… you know someone worked really hard on that intro.
ME: Should…should I not skip it?
NETFLIX: I mean, that’s not for me to say.
ME: Okay, skip intro.
NETFLIX: Okay *quietly* you’re a terrible person.
Those guys who came by the office to ask for protection money kept breaking things. Like I’m going to pay people that clumsy to protect me!
Who called it a foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
friend: edible kick in?
me [washing my hands]: not yet
friend [turns on faucet]: you sure?