{1st day as a correctional therapist}
Me: you need to free yourself from the prison-
Inmate: *excitedly unfolds escape plan*
Me: OF YOUR MIND
Inmate: *sadly folds escape plan*
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It’s like my cat doesn’t even appreciate it when I take the time to rake his litter box like a Zen Garden.
The perfect label doesn’t exi-
You see two puppies.
“Awwwww!”
But they’re cannibal puppies!
“Ahhhhhhh!”
One puppy eats the other!
“Ewwwww!”
Then he takes a nap.
“Awwwww!”
“Inflation isn’t new. Just imagine jacking up the price on items because you can and their location is convenient.”
*vending machines have entered the chat*
My blood type is coffee.
Why was Bezos rocket named Blue Origin and not Shuttlecock?
ME TO MY CAT: Now show them the word I taught you that means you have an ouchie.
MY CAT: me-ow
FRIENDS: ……you’re an idiot.
I sleep better naked…why can’t the flight attendant understand this?
*travels back in time to kill Hitler as a baby* *becomes known as time-traveling baby murderer & history’s greatest monster*
If you don’t have plans tonight, head to a crowded restaurant, stand up during the meal, and say “She said yes!”. Free applause and dessert. You’re welcome.
I wouldn’t usually disagree with Gordon Ramsay but i was watching him judge this carrot cake & I think the contestant was perhaps correct
CUTE CAT‼︎
A movie so damn long that you’re called for a Covid booster shot halfway through it.
“You wore that before.”
Yes, because I own a washing machine.
Jamie Oliver says there’s “nothing worse in the world than an undercooked green bean”
I’m going to go out on a limb and say he doesn’t watch the news.
After I saw that my wife “Checked In” to the mall I called to report her credit cards stolen.
*covers puddle with a jacket so a lady won’t get her shoes wet*
LADY: MY JACKET!!!
Who called it Osteoporosis and not Epic Frail?
If you see me in the baby section at the store, there’s no bun in the oven. Just a cat at home that clearly needs a onesie.
Note to self: Never choose a company name that ends in a verb.
5yo: That will be 5 dollars.
Me *handing her play money*
All I have is this 50.Hey! Where’s my change?
5yo: Sorry. I all I have is this 50.
Battery falling down a hole
Son: We’re having chicken and rice for dinner?
Me: No. That’s for the dogs. Heat up some pizza rolls or something.
Of the 4 people living in this house, I’m the only one who didn’t immediately try to touch the new cactus houseplant.
Just found out my old gym is a 5 Guys now
Renewed my membership this morning
If Bear Grylls married Chuck E. Cheese they would be the Grylls-Cheese family.
“Honey, it’s not that I don’t like your cooking, it’s just that the smoke’s about to asphyxiat our family.”
“WHAT’D YOU SAY ABOUT MY ASS??”
Me: I taught the dog to say the 7 deadly sins
Wife: No you didn’t
Dog: Ruff
Me: See, wrath!
Wife: He said ruff! You can’t teach a dog to
Dog: Gluttony
Wife: Holy shit
If my girlfriend hired cheaters they’d just tell her “the whole goddamn day, he looked up from his phone twice and once it was to sneeze”
A vegan said to me that people who sell meat are disgusting.
I answered that people who sell fruits & veg’s are grocer.