hitman: who am I killing?
dog: ever hear of a guy named pavlov?
hitman: rings a bell
dog: that’s right
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[laying in bed]
Wife: I’d rather chew on aluminum foil while listening to Nickelback
Me: …a simple, “I have a headache” would’ve been fine
“I really like you, can I take you to dinner”
Sir -if you really liked me you’d send dinner to my house and let me be pantless instead of creating a food hostage situation
Doctor: I have your test results
Me: did I pass hahaha
Doctor: hahaha you will soon
Me: haha what
I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.
When the lady at the DMV asked if I wanted to be an organ donor, I told her, “Yes, but only if I die.”
{job interview}
Dog Boss: what would you say your biggest weakness is?
Me: I don’t know, I guess I can get really petty
Dog Boss: *excited tail wagging*
Me [all day]: tired
Me [1 AM & can’t sleep]: why is a baby ocelot called a kitten & not an ocelittle?
[Watching Jeopardy on TV]
…
Me: Who is Lady Jane Grey?Host on TV: You all got Final Jeopardy wrong. The answer is Lady Jane Grey
Me: I am the smartest person alive!
Husband: but you missed every other question in the episode.
Me:
I just spent the day painting our fence. All I know is tomorrow I better be able to do karate.
[at ultrasound]
Dr [preparing gloves]: are you allergic to latex?
Me: yeah that’s why we’re here
Sorry, can’t. My husband is having a snoring contest with the dog and apparently I’m the judge.
I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with the hope that it might magically solve her problems.
Shout out to the top 5 suits in the world, 3-piece, zoot, swim, law and birthday.
that scene in doctor who where the doctor brings vincent van gogh to a 21st century exhibition of his work except he takes t.s. eliot to a screening of cats (2019)
What’s the past tense of “wake & bake”?
“Woke and boke”?
“Awake and baked”?
“Awakened and baconed”?Whatever it is, I’m that
When you wear a cardigan for the very first time it’s just called a card
wife: look our baby can stand up
baby: what’s the deal with airplane food
My axe boyfriend was a lumberjack.
I’m sorry.
Don’t tell me I don’t know anything about love. I just saw them open up a cheesecake sampler at Costco.
McDonald’s french fries are not real food. Just found one under my car seat from two months ago and it looked perfect.
Tasted fine, too.
Lady, you misunderstood. When I asked if you would have my kids I didn’t mean sex and babies. I meant take the ones I already have.
My kid: No, I have no idea where I left the remote 37 seconds ago.
Also my kid: Remember that time last year when you promised to take me to the playground but it rained, so we didn’t go because you never let me do anything?
This device could predict incoming phone calls.
Why did I laugh so hard at this 😂
I’m crying im so happy for them
If you introduce yourself as Sal, just know that I will be disappointed when you reveal that’s NOT short for Salami
A woman at my bar was talking about how she has hard time meeting men and I told her to just start conversations with people. A guy comes in and sits next to her and she turns to him and goes “where were you during 9/11?”
*gets in huge line at the donut shop*
*taps foot*
*sweats*
*shakes*
*causally hums the Jaws theme until people get out of my way*
What do you call a Magician without any magic?
Ian.
If you wait until the last minute to do something it only takes a minute to do it.