Chopsticks are perfect for when you want to drop your food twice on its way to your mouth.
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3-year-old: I need a scarf.
Me: No, you don’t.
3: To tie up bad guys.
She needs a scarf.
Women’s magazine
Page 14: accept yourself as you are
Page 15: how to lose 5 Kg in 2 weeks
Page 16: best cake recipes ever..
Me: *wearing white shirt*
Every food in the universe: GET HIM!
Studies show that if you begin a sentence with “studies show,” the internet will believe you.
#TT
At 14 I yelled, “You’ll NEVER understand Morrissey,dad!!” and tried to run dramatically out of the room but ran into a wall & fell over.
I do this awesome move at the dance club with my shoulders where i slump them down and go back to my hotel and violently masturbate
This strip mall certainly is misleading
And I probably should put my clothes back on now.
The Bible starts off slow but it really gets going when Satan shows up
Wonder how long it’ll take for my pregnant friend to realize that the list of baby name ideas I’m giving her are all just types of lettuce?
Phew
Phew
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Phew ✔
Phew
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.
Let us pray for my Facebook friend who not only has a headache, but her bus is running a bit late too.
Breath escapes my broken body. I collapse amid dark, icy spears of pain. The fight’s done. It’s over.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: You’ve done 9 seconds
I miss making out in public and making people feel uncomfortable
I don’t trust my arms or legs like I trust my hips
my hips don’t lie but but the rest of my body parts are bullshiters
*installs mirrors on the bedroom ceiling*
*watches myself not sleeping*
I don’t believe in all your ghosts, crystals and astrology hocus-pocus unless I have a shot at you. In which case, I’m a Gemini and, my god, your aura is transcendent.
[During acupuncture]
Voodoo doll: OWWWWWWCH
I am not an accident waiting to happen.
I am an accident.
Happening.
look son, i kinda need you to go to hong kong & win a martial arts tournament to the death for me because i sorta told my neighbor you did
I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.
10yo just came to me, so excited to share about a “new artist” he discovered who sounds “just like Alexander Hamilton.”
Anyways it was Eminem.
*stuffing my face with donuts* what does the cop banging on my windshield screaming “give me back my donuts” want from me?
I was helping my son with his geography homework and I told him that the capital of Iceland was New Bjork so now I have another meeting with his teacher.
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark!🎶
It’s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.
Who are these people that buy unsalted butter on purpose?
God: you’re a penguin.
Penguin: actually I’m a spy.
God: uh no you aren’t.
Penguin: then why am I wearing this tux?
God: that’s just what you look like.
Penguin: that’s exactly what a spy would say.
God:
Penguin: isn’t that right…00Heaven.
“I MUST tell you,” said a lady with breathless excitement, stopping us suddenly as we walked down Bermondsey Street last night, “I MUST tell you that you are wearing the same clothes as that building.” and skipped off
[AA meeting]
Ian: …and I’ve been sober for 12 years now.Me: Err… I’m at the wrong meeting.
*start packing up my battery collection*