UNITED EMPLOYEE: Beat this guy up so we can take the thing he paid for.
LITERALLY THE POLICE: Okay
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If you can tell from my eye contact at the grocery store that I’m inviting you to race shopping carts, you’re my kinda people.
She sells sea shells on the:
A) Shore
B) Shore
C) Shore
D) Shore
if your newborn baby has a full head of hair that means it is a business baby and is ready to enter the world of finance
AC changed bail to basil, and now I’m sitting in jail with some lovely herbs.
Beautiful day in Ohio. Went out for a run but I was back home in a couple of minutes because I forgot something. I forgot that I’m old and fat and can’t run for more than two minutes. if that.
Me: Try this chocolate chip.
3 year-old: Okay!
[gives him coffee bean]
3: UGH, YUCK!
-Me, saving all future chocolate chips for myself while also spending all future money on his therapy.
Answer my phone? No thanks.
I’ve seen what happens to Liam Neeson.
My sister is doing low carb and she told me she made a low carb quesadilla. I asked her how and she said she used eggs as the tortilla. I said that’s an omelette and now she isn’t talking to me
All I’m saying is Stacy’s mom probably has an Only Fans now…
I think I stand a pretty good chance this year. I hear the Simpson kid is down two more toes.
Shania Twain marrying her best friend’s ex husband after her husband and best friend had an affair is some count of monte cristo level shit
Why’s everyone wearing green today. did the Hulk die or something
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
if youre a healthy young male or female with blood type O, please consider donating a kidney to me. my goal is 22 kidney ‘s
I don’t really ask for much, just good health and happiness. Oh, and a tater tot as big as my head.
“EVERYONE IS ENGAGED BUT YOU” – facebook
While those 2 guys at the bar were just fantasizing about what they’d do with powerball winnings, I stole their ticket.
Batman: [sees signal] what’s the emergency
Commissioner Gordon: why weren’t you at my birthday party
Hey ladies, if you want a free pelvic exam, I suggest you try the old “gyne and dash.”
Welcome to parenting, “your kid bangs his head while sneezing and it is somehow your fault.”
[job interview]
employer: what skills do you possess that are helpful to the company
me: the skills that will make your other employees look brilliant
[being stared at by a bunch of guys as I bathe in an airport washroom] can someone get my back please?
Omg. It happened again.
I was using the flashlight on my phone. To look for my phone.
Help me 😩
I was watching this YouTube video about “housecleaning before Christmas.” It’s very similar to housecleaning.
[about to have sex]
her: I can tell this is your first time
me: *opening box of bees* did you bring any birds
This is how techno is made if you didn’t already know
Mom: I heard Facebook is now called Metal.
Me: It’s Meta but, no, they-
Mom: My phone app still says Facebook.
Me: They didn’t-
Mom: Do I need a Metalbook app now.
Me: No, it’s META and you don-
Mom: I can’t find Metalbook on the app store.
Me [shaking fist at sky]: ZUCKERBERGGGG
I’ve had 3 new bosses at work in the last 6 months.
I wonder when they’re going to bring me in for questioning.
I should move the bodies.
I’ll bet Charles Manson would’ve made one hell of a used car salesman. If he could talk a bunch of kids into murder, how hard could it be for him to get you into a 97 Camry?