Airport moving sidewalks are great for when you only want to feel like George Jetson for 10 seconds before you’re back to Fred Flintstone.
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So I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
Q: How do you stop an astronaut’s baby from crying?
A: You rocket!
#HatDadJoke
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: I’m not psychic, Craig
cop: my name is Greg
me: I work at Starbucks
[First day as a Scientist]
Boss: We need some petrified wood
Me: *Tells ghost stories to a tree*
Is it fall yet? I really can’t suck my stomach in much longer.
BREAKING NEWS …. Lisa on Facebook is so done with this week and now she is headed to Chili’s for some much needed margaritas with the gals ….
Useful cooking directions would read: remove package from garbage, read instructions, repeat
[raises hand in English class]
Why do we need to be learned English?
“Hmm.. Couldn’t have worded that better myself, Luke”
Me: *grins* Couldn’t help but notice you checking me out.
Girl: Yeah, I’m a cashier at a grocery store. That’s my job.
[eulogy]
line?
Axl Rose: You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby
Tarzan: yeah but why are you here.
I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.
“This is beyond the scope of the project” —me after I haven’t understood how to do something
[china shop]
Bull: *walks in*
Shopkeeper: oh no
Bull: I’d like to speak to your manager
Shopkeeper: OH NO
Everyone gets ONE famous scientologist they’re allowed to pretend isn’t really a scientologist in order to fully and purely enjoy their work.
I don’t want a sugar mama but maybe a sugar buddy. I just hit her up like “hey how are you today?” And she replies “Doing great, thanks for asking here’s seven grand.” 💰
God: you’re an amphibian.
Frog: what does that mean?
God: it means you can breathe on land and in the water.
Frog: omg you mean I’m a mermaid?
God: no that’s not what I-
Frog: [whispers] I’m the littlest mermaid.
horse prosecutor: did you do it?
horse defendant: neigh
horse prosecutor: here, have some water and think again
horse defense attorney: objection! leading the witness!
If my metabolism and serotonin were employees they would have been so fired by now
You tell me to “walk a mile in your shoes” but the second I break into your house to steal your shoes, you call the cops. Make up your mind.
How the hell can people with kids ever sell anything ‘gently used’?
All my furniture looks like it was in a bar fight.
The next time I lose my car I’m just going to let it find its own way home.
My dog doesn’t even understand what I’m doing when I air guitar solos to metal ballads but she dutifully holds up her lighter.
I remember back in the day when you had to roll up a tiny scroll and give it to a falcon to tweet
keep scrolling I’ve got nothing.
As highly as it’s esteemed, the Mayo Clinic still sounds like the place sick sandwiches go to get better.
Help is a magic word.
Say it to people & watch them disappearing from the horizon of your life.
Forrest Gump is so unrealistic. There’s no way anyone would take chocolate from a man who’s been talking to himself on a bus station bench for 3 hours.
You only hear about careless whispers. Shout out to all the very careful whispers, where the person really thought about the ramifications before they whispered and whatnot.
Mammals for $500 Alex
“Slow moving mammals that spend most of their time sleeping & eating”
What are sloths?
“Wrong, What are coworkers”