The hand doctor told me that I can no longer cook, clean, or vacuum.
Which would be amazing news if I actually did any of those things.
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my wife’s lover: what about your husband
“he won’t be home from the camouflage store for hours”
[plant in the corner cocks gun]
I just ate dinner. At 4pm. I am SO prepared for my 74th birthday
A local business in my town has an open carry discount. As in, you show them a gun to save money. Doesn’t that discount apply everywhere?
[doing group photography]
ME: now let me take one without the flash
THE FLASH: what the-
REST OF JUSTICE LEAGUE: wait let’s hear him out
date: are you looking for love?
me: [peering over top of menu] no they only do pretzels
He wanted to come over but I only have one dozen donuts
That awkward moment you have long eye contact with someone who’s really attractive, only cause it’s too hard to walk away from the mirror.
If Chlamydia didn’t have all those negative associations with STIs, it would make a beautiful baby name
sorry I broke up with you in the middle of a corn maze
whenever i see that someone somewhere has spent a bunch of time making or designing or building something i think about how crazy it is that they never thought to check in with me, the guy with no skills or expertise who spent 10 seconds looking at a tweet about it
I get all my cardio the old fashioned way; by running from my problems.
I wonder how many times Batman had to rub one out in the Batmobile after fighting with Catwoman
I just found out that my mechanic doesn’t drive.
[blind date]
HER: I recently found Jesus
ME {trying to keep the conversation going}: Where was he?
*sees a racoon in the neighbor’s trash*
I won’t say anything if you don’t.
*continues rummaging*
I see dead people.
Well technically they’re stupid people, but give me a few minutes.
REALTOR: what size home are you looking for?
OLD LADY WHO LIVED IN A SHOE: 11 , 11 1/2
My doctor said I can get back to my college weight if I simply go for a brisk three hundred mile walk each morning.
I SAID TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SAFE
5yo came in, threw his backpack down and said “holy melancholy.”
Me: rough day, buddy?
5: I need a glass of milk. Now.
When I was a kid I used to sneak into the racetrack. I was making a bet at the window and the lady said, “You’re not eighteen.” I said, “It’s for my dad,” and pointed out some old drunk. He waved. She said, “He looks wasted.” I said, “He is. Don’t make fun of my dad.”
My daughter just asked me to go in a corn maze with her, and now she is telling me stories about serial killers, and if I don’t make it out she is definitely my favorite child and also probably the killer
Me: It’s the cops!! We better skeedaddle!
Gang leader: I’ve asked you to stop saying that
Me: I’m loving this, look at us, we’re practically finishing each other’s….
Her: …Fries ?
Me: Yeah, we’re done here!
You’re going to have to be just a tiny bit more specific for me, bud
*Babysitting my 7 year old nephew*
My sister: And don’t let him eat too much junk food. And don’t let him talk to strangers. And don’t let him stay up too late watching scary movies.
My nephew: Ok i’ll try.
I thought maybe we could try to make it on Dateline as a a couple.
9: What did that message on the TV say
Me: It said, the film has been modified to fit our screen
9: How do they know what size TV we have?
HER: *picking dandelion* blow this and make a wish
ME: *fully inserting into mouth* how do I know when it’s done *spitting out seeds* oh it’s done
me: i’d love* to go to your neighborhood block** party, Carol, sign me up***
*hate
**gossip
***i’d rather eat worms