(1st day in heaven)
Me: Whoa- is that Elvis?
Angel- no, it’s an impersonator
M: Wow, is that…
A: listen man all we got is impersonators
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ENTER PASSWORD.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
RESET PASSWORD.
NEW PASSWORD CAN’T BE OLD PASSWORD.
sets fire to computer
Weird how Superman’s an alien but looks exactly like a white dude & then he landed in Kansas & not say, mainland China
Family: come play dodgeball
Me: nah
Fam: oh come on
Me: no thanks
Fam: JUST PLAY
Me: *nails 6 year old in the face*
If experience has taught me anything, I’ve forgotten what it was.
I don’t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.
Original plans for Mt Rushmore had the mouths carved open so they would scream out bats at the setting sun then eat them again at dawn.
Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils
I could never trust Jon Bon Jovi after he sang “ohhhh we’re halfway there” on track 3 of a 10 track album.
Obama: What should we do about Syria?
Biden: Batman.
Obama: For the last time Joe, he’s not real.
Biden: YOU’RE NOT REAL. *runs out crying*
“tell me doc, is it bad news?”
“you’ve got piles”
…
“piles of health that is! LOL”
…
“except in your legs. gonna have to amputate those”
Facebook’s great for when you wanna see a picture or a joke you saw on Twitter four years ago
Put together a list of the PROS and CONS of pizza for those of you who are on the fence!
Interviewer: Is it true you are the first duck to be made a duke?
Duck: Please address me as ‘M’llard’
Fact: Chihuahuas shake so much because their blood is two thirds Red Bull.
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma
Your personality finally matches your looks. That’s not a compliment.
My kid just announced that when he’s a grown up he’s going to go to the ice cream shop every day, and now I want to be a grown up too
me: before you hire me, you should know i take things
interviewer: like what?
me: time and care
interviewer: oh haha
me: also xanax, company money, and two-hour morning shits
Me: What did you learn in kindergarten today?
5-year-old: A doughnut would help me remember.
Apparently she learned bribery.
What I learned: the neighbors’ dog is not the neighbors’ dog
Why it’s important: the number of times I’ve put the dog back in their yard
If you get butterflies in your stomach
You should probably stop eating insects
ohgod what if there’s some murderer in the backseat of my car while i’m driving alone and they hear me singing this cranberries song off-key
[Bucket Lists]
2003:
1. Visit Rome
2. Go skydiving
3. Run marathon2017:
1. Eat sitting down
2. Wake up naturally
3. Finish painting foyer
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
What the hell happened in there??
You ever randomly hear your mom singing ‘Candy Shop’ and then die a little inside?
Me: It’s a beautiful night
Him: What?
Me: It’s a BEAUTIFUL night
Him: What?
Me: *opens trunk* I SAID, IT’S A BEAUTIFUL NIGHT!
Me 5pm: Need to go easy on the booze tonight, have to function tomorrow.
Me 1am: *twerking in a Denny’s parking lot.
ME: [pointing at grave] What about that one?
GRAVE-DIGGER: Yep, love it