when the waiter comes by to see how the food tastes and I’m not ready
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Me: I want a never ending spoon of Ben and Jerry’s
Genie: done
Ben Affleck and Jerry Garcia: why are we hugging this guy
Me: shhh
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A REALLY FAST CAR TO DRIVE PAST!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
NNNEYOWWWWWwwwww…
Telling everyone I’m premed…
(short for premeditating their murder)
I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.
wife: what did i ask you to do?
me: buy the name-brand repellent
wife: and what did you do?
me: i bought the cheap stuff
wife: you bought the cheap stuff
me: it was half the-
wife: and what do we have now?
me: *sigh* we have elephants
wife: we have elephants
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re sad?
Fleabag: Go to church.
Therapist: Good.
Fleabag: To flirt with the priest.
Therapist: No.
Me: omg can you PLEASE chew with your mouth closed
Lion eating me: sorry
Told my kid I was going to check her room because she told me she cleaned it, and she negotiated a five minute head start in case she “missed something.”
ME: *does entire national anthem with armpit farts*
WIFE: see what I mean?
THERAPIST: Mmmhmm *writes in notes: “she’s nuts. This guy rules*
Everyone’s gangster until they have to carry a leaking compost bag to the bin outside.
Day One living in a Tiny House: Well, isn’t this quaint?
Day Two: Murder
My husband is looking for the remote control. I need everyone to stand up for a minute.
[Interrogation room after a massive Swiss cheese theft]
Detective: I gotta tell ya, your story sure has a lot of….inconsistencies in it.
“I keep waking up at 2:04 every night”
— my 7YO describing what I can only assume is the beginning of our family’s real-life horror story.
My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.
I asked my imaginary girlfriend, Delores, to change her name.
chumbawamba: I get knocked down
me: so relatable
chumbawamba: but I get up again
me: oh nevermind
Hubs sent me this text:
There’s no wrong way to tell the person you love that their beautiful.Me: *they’re.
sigh
As an automobile advocate, I am begging people to stop using the term “Accident” and instead use “Car interaction”.
My husband’s beige flag is he’s always ranting about the “feels like” temperature on the weather app. “If we always say 30 degrees FEELS LIKE a different temperature than 30 degrees, how can we ever know what real 30 degrees feels like??????”
my aunt: why u kids always on them phones cant u have a real conversation
me: *puts down phone* *crosses legs* why did u melt the ice caps
If a gym has 75 treadmills, 1 is being used, what do you do?
You go home because it’s your favorite one being used
Math is easy
My husband asked me to do something creative in the bedroom, so I positioned my three dogs in the shape of a heart and went to sleep.
Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.
A woman could tweet “My dog just died” and she would get replies like “Well, I’m not dead ;)”
Urban Dictionary: Helping white folks figure out if they’re getting insulted or complimented daily.
I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning