He wants my carcasses apparently.
I think autocorrect won that round.
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Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first
Waiter: would you like another drink before I bring you the check?
Me: holy shit how bad is it?!
I’m not sure about accusing someone of wanting to get into my pants. I’d like to see him try. I can hardly get into them myself..
Thoughts and prayers for my 17 year old. Nothing’s wrong with her. She’s just mad that she has to put gas in her own car on a cold day.
HIM: I’m having a shit first day at my new job. Can I crash at your place?
HER: Sure. What’s your new job?
HIM: Airline pilot.
i have lived through 30 winters and i’m somehow still surprised when it gets dark before 5pm in november
Don’t you hate it when some idiots won’t even go 5 mph over the speed limit in the left lane but then when you try to pass them all of a sudden they want to go 127 mph into the sun
This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.
I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.
Don’t You (Forget About Me) is my favorite song about laundry I left in the washing machine.
Hub: When was your first kiss
Me: July 4th 1978 I kissed Brent under the fireworks
Hub: Didn’t you have a frog named Brent
Me: I hate you
Malicious compliance at its best. Reap what you sow.
18: I’m going to ask the stylist what color screams parental issues.
Me: …
How come cats make the only sexy Halloween costumes? What’s wrong with a sexy llama or a sexy sloth or something?
Me: i am not being ratatouilled by a mcnugget
The McNugget Rattatoulleing Me: PUT UR HAND IN THE DEEP FRIER
If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
AMERICA:
Here in the UK
we refer to Jay Z as “Jay Zed”
Ice T as “Ice Ted”
And LL Cool J as “Led Led Cool Jed”
I must have more than ten fingers because I broke like 17 nails today
I want to make some business cards with this image so when people are like “what’s your type” I can just hand them one and say idk these are all men I’m attracted to, y’all figure it out
Daughter has prom tomorrow so I’ve been practicing my “Menacing Dad Face” all day….so far I’ve had a colleague offer me Tums.
me: one more peep outta you & I’m turning this car around
child (pukes up Easter candy):
me: ok that’s it!
What idiot decided to call them meteorologists and not Storm Troopers
[phone call]
Prank caller: Hi, I’d like to speak to Agood Boi
Receptionist: who’s Agood Boi?
Prank caller: lol *tail goes nuts*
I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.
Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was taking my sports bra off.
My neighbor with a toddler is over here telling me what life is like with one kid like I got my children in a 3-pack.
My reading glasses would look good on your nightstand.
-Me, flirting.
Sign says World’s Largest Ravioli. “Where’s the filling?” people ask exploring its vast interior. The sound of boiling water grows to a roar
I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work