When a waiter doesn’t write down the order and someone in your group asks for no pickles and you know that’s going to be thing that wrecks it for everybody.
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Hey Paul Ryan, why don’t you save some first names for the rest of us.
[fancy restaurant]
wife: [leans over, whispers in my ear] I’m not wearing any panties
me: [whispering back] is that sanitary
When life hands you gators, make Gatorade…just kidding-that means life hates you because the gators would totally kill and eat you 1st.
The worst thing about living in the city must be cleaning all the dead parkour people out of your chimney.
I like to sit in the hotel hot tub with a bunch of potatoes, peas & carrots. I introduce myself as Stew.
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite Disney movie where the curse sounds amazing.
I just had the best argument in my head and I cannot wait until someone pisses me off.
Remembering the time I brought a bf to a family thing & he pointed at my uncle & whispered, “That’s my parole officer.”
Scientists: The impending climate crisis will be the darkest most frightening episode in human history.
Me, who loves Netflix documentaries: Damn that’s gonna be good.
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever is chasing me
My wife says I’m too trusting. At least he says he’s my wife.
I’m by far not the best person but by far the worst thing I’ve ever done is accidentally touch the mailman through my house’s mail slot. I have never before heard the sort of noise he made after reaching into what he hoped was the cold embrace of a mail slot and finding a hand.
Keep your friends close and your enemies buried beneath your floorboards
Who called it “falling in love” and not “assisted suicide”?
mario, from under the sink: yeah i see the problem, you got living mushrooms and turtles walking around in here. jesus buddy you got multiple castles back here. i’m gonna have to fight a dragon
The cancelled marathon runners should seriously run through the boroughs with supplies. I said it earlier as a joke, now I say it for real.
Save time on divorce paperwork, and just hand the judge your phone.
5-year-old: Guess what? Today in school someone’s EYE broke open.
Me: What???
5-year-old: I’m done telling this story.
If this paper cut is any indication of my pain threshold, then child birth would definitely kill me.
what kind of monster rides a horse through a desert and doesn’t have the decency to give the horse a name
Hey! This is your home!
It’s kinda messy… but you’ll get use to that!-my 6yo, welcoming his new baby sister 😂😂💀
[home depot guy going through my list] these are all the things from the game Mouse Trap
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, check and see if she has a collar.”
Boomers: we don’t share our feelings.
Millennials: we share all of our feelings.
Gen X: feelings?
This checks out
Someone tried to persuade me to go to a party by saying, “Are you sure? There’s gonna be a lot of people there.” Oh then definitely no
The word “Caesar” has always bothered me. It looks like a and e are mad at each other.
Sperm 1: “Geez I’m exhausted, how much further to the Fallopian tubes?”
Sperm 2: “A long way, we’ve just passed the tonsils…”