こいつ天才
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When I see JUST MARRIED I like to think it means ‘only married’ like there are higher types of commitment but they just settled for marriage
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
When a pair of scissors hear you’re looking for them
My god, horses chased me for 5 minutes.
Most terrifying carousel ride ever.
One of my co-workers just called the elevator a “vator”. Anyways, long story short, this is my one phone call…
I can now tell the hour of the day by which part of my body needs a heating pad.
I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB. That was a trip down memory lane.
I found a lost dog whose tag said 905-555-4598. Who would name a dog that?
The more I parent the more convinced I am that the ears on toddlers are purely for decoration.
oh you like online scams? name all the numbers on your credit card
They just called for “Jennifer” three times in the waiting room, and I have anxiety so there was a second where I wondered if my name was actually Jennifer
Me: I’ll have the chicken
Waiter: and how would you like the chicken prepared
Me: I dunno… maybe just tell it about the circle of life and how nothing lives forever
Me: Just one more hit. I need it.
Him: *crying* Think about what you are doing to our family. Please.
Me: *hits snooze button*
Has anyone tried biting a zombie to see if they just turn back into people?
Sorry we’re late, my kid thought he couldn’t go to school with hiccups
I could never be a therapist because I can’t hear a single piece of gossip without asking for a picture of the person
I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.
As far as I’m concerned the person who made kids toothpaste sparkly neon blue can go straight to hell. Twice a day I have to clean Smurf vomit from my sink. #smurfvomit #gotohell
A lot of communication between a toddler and a mother is nonverbal. For example, today my 1-year-old walked up to me and handed me deodorant.
impressing her on a first date by using no knife but two forks
I know they took some creative liberties with ‘Noah’ but I really wasn’t expecting that Prius.
Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.
Y’all it’s so wild to call a pharmacy and they ask for the date of birth and I’m like he is a cat I have no idea I found him in a shelter his name is James Dumpling you got his pills or???
Stop saying I’m not a nice person, I have a pillow in my trunk.
I play videogames for a few hours and World War 3 breaks out wtf
Saw a guy on the highway in the car next to me sneeze so I ran him off the road and into the barrier. We’re in this together, folks
[Movie Theater]
ME: I’ll take a medium popcorn.CASHIER: For just $2 more you can get it in a tub so big no human could actually finish it.
ME: No thanks.
CASHIER: It comes with free refills.
ME: I do like free refills…
They take Opposite Day seriously here at El Sol. I love sushi/getting paid to eat, but the dead mariachi band is something of a mood-killer.
Just settled a divorce over visitation of a parrot. Neither may teach it negative phrases about the other. I went to law school for this.