I always skip leg day at the gym. I keep my body proportionate by skipping every other day at the gym as well.
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“He seems kind of rude”
“Oh no no, that’s just how he is”
“Ok cool. Now that I know it’s a fundamental part of his personality, I like him”
It’s funny how when you’re at work, “Go to hell” comes out as “No problem.”
Can’t. The ex-girlfriend is making me take her to the movies.
Wife: I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME THAT!
Crayons overthrow royal blue, elect sienna-tors.
The cops are here, Uncle Dave. Last chance to peacefully return my nose
Offend your local English teacher by calling classic novels boring.
Hot Girl: Hey, u single?
Me: I am.
HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?
early stone age tool
If you’re moving to a new house for a “fresh start,” congratulations your new house is haunted.
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
“55?”
Cop: Faster.
“217.”
Cop: Um, no, 72.
“24?”
Cop: I already told y-
“Negative 6?”
Cop: Get out.
I’ve been hearing noises in the house for a while now and while Twitter was down last night I discovered I have a wife!
This weekend, my wife & I reached our goal of losing 70 pounds together. But we gained it back when we picked up the kids from my parents.
I’m having lunch with my mom today. I can’t wait to hear how tired and unmarried I look.
Cosmetology school was a real letdown. Anyone wanna buy a spacesuit?
The general rule is that you shouldn’t ride an elevator during a fire, but I mean, talk about a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity
fellas is it cheating to call people by their names
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.
[texting]
ME: I like you, I think you’re cute
MY CRUSH: oh um
ME: HAHAHA omg my dog was chewing on my phone lol how did he type that
To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…
I live in Texas. If I buy four bags of ice I have approximately 3/4 of a cup of ice when I get home.
Charlie: I can’t believe you’re giving me the whole chocolate factory
Wonka: Yup, all of it. Starting with these four law suits
Typing
your tweets
like this doesn’t
make them
poems.
The Grapes of Wrath 2: The Raisins of Revenge
*Hearing my kids fighting upstairs
once I can run up those stairs without getting winded, it’s so over for them
Christopher Columbus was lucky to have found America first. His nemesis Garmin Von Goögle Maps showed up minutes later after taking Route 2.
Trying to sound more sinister in normal conversation. i just invited my friend out for a drink tonight but i did it by saying “do u wanna meet me for a simple drink at a regular bar no strings attached nothing weird”.
Interview Tip #17
be polite and maintain eye contact
[later]
Interviewer: hello
Me: *staring intensely* yes please
Only 90’s kids will remember this! *plays outside*
Ok hear me out, the musical Cats -but with velociraptors.