Me growing up in the countryside with a car: “it’s literally insane that I have to drive 20 minutes to see a friend. I can’t wait to move to a city”
Me in a city: “okay, 78 minutes on three trains to see someone who lives 6 miles away, that seems fine”
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It’s taken 7 years but I’m beginning to see the correlation between my kid’s hyperactivity and his sugar intake.
I don’t understand what someone gets out of arguing with a complete stranger.
Fight with your family like the rest of us.
*reads online that you should befriend your coworkers with some water cooler talk*
ME (to coworker): So, are you into water coolers?
Sex so good you see dead people.
“What have you always wanted to try in bed?”
Getting a good nights sleep
At the end of “Grease,” the car just started flying and everyone was all, “Aw, good for them.”
mr. miyagi: sweep the leg, daniel-san
daniel-san: do i have to, sensei?
mr. miyagi: *sucks the meat off a chicken thigh, chucks it on the floor* yep. then wax my cars again, nerd
Wife: I just want a honest opinion of my outfit
Me *signing her up to a rap battle* and you’ll get one
some guy in the 7-eleven said “it was only a kiss” into his phone and the other 3 of us in the store all yelled IT WAS ONLY A KISS anyway i think he is gonna be getting divorced soon
Scarface: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FREN
me: hi
Danny Devito: well hello there
coworker relationships are so bizarre like i wouldn’t acknowledge you in public but i def know all about how your great aunt poisoned your great uncle for a life insurance payout.
“WHAT IS THAT NOISE?”
“Mom…”
“IS IT DEATH METAL?”
“It’s…”
“ARE YOU A DEVIL WORSHIPPER?!”
“One Direction.”
“ARE YOU GONNA KILL THE DOG?!”
henry VIII found four more women to marry him after he cut his wife’s head off and i can’t get a txt back
I was offered a free apron once, but there were strings attached
Make your own bacon by tricking 30-50 feral hogs into running headlong through a harp.
Why can’t they use deep fake technology for good instead of evil? Like taking zoom meetings for you. Stuff like that.
I wish I loved anything as much as my two year old loves pulling my pants down.
I’ve been calling my kids children of the corn for so long my daughter just called me mom of the corn and I’m fine with it.
[At astronomy convention]
For the last time, Bob. No one wants to see Uranus.
*gets bitten by a radioactive bear
*before developing super powers, gets eaten by radioactive bear
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
Big shout out to the three people still trying to do jokes.
[Burger Lounge]
Server: Are you 27?
Me: OMG NO I’M 39 THANK U SO MUCH U MADE MY DAY
Server: I meant your order number, ma’am.
Friend: What are you doing this weekend?
Me: Amusement Pork.
Friend: You mean Amusement Park?
Me: No, I don’t.
[loudly in front of a bunch of ducks] “OH NO I SEEM TO HAVE BROUGHT TOO MUCH BREAD WITH ME WHATEVER SHALL I DO?” *ducks try to play it cool*
As I’m loudly interrogating my stuffed animals on why I’m single, I realize why I’m still single.
Never underestimate the power of karate to save a marriage.
My toddler and I went pretend grocery shopping. It was a pretend Whole Foods and now the little guy is pretend broke as shit.
I have a drawer in my kitchen full of sauces that are patiently waiting for the big day that I use them