[escorted out of google hq with armful of snakes at 9:02am on my 1st day] WELL MAYBE U SHOULDA CLARIFIED WAT U MEANT BY “PYTHON PROGRAMMER”
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Tuna = the chicken of the sea, worms = the noodles of the ground, Penguins = butlers of the south.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
Dwayne Johnson, paper, scissors
Bruce Wayne was terrified of bats & he became Batman, so anyway that’s why I became ClownBaboonDentistMan
Tip from my mom:
Always wear your bathrobe when at home.
Then if somebody stops by unexpectedly you’re “just about to hop in the shower”.
“Easy as pie” does not sound easy to me. Make it “Easy as Hot Pockets” or “Easy as eating six pickles straight out of the jar without even closing the fridge”
My cousin thinks the phrase is sperm of the moment. Someday, I may correct her.
Missing those days when “hemorrhoids” was just a challenging word to spell.
Don’t think of it as losing followers, think of it as frustrating bots to the point they go away
Cobra’s try and act tough by wearing a hoodie
When I was young, air at the gas station was free. Now they charge $1.50. That’s inflation for you.
17 asked what the 80’s were like and i told her to sit in the middle of the front seat between me and her grandma.
Everyone is exhausted by the pandemic, except my neighbor’s dog who has been barking non-stop since 2016.
Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay sounds super fun if you don’t know what either of those things are.
I held a baby today. I was scared it would make me want a baby, but it just made me want to be a baby.
Why is it called stupidity and not a total eclipse of the smart?
Red Bull gives you wings.
Sugar Daddy gives you things.
Therapist: did the other kids tease you back in school?
Me: no
Therapist: no come on, they must have
Morpheus: You’re The One Neo
Neo: You’re sure?
M: I’ve known for some time
N: *leans in for the kiss*
M: WHOA, that’s not what I meant bro..
[buying condoms]
assistant: would you like a bag?
me: are they cheaper?
Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.
If I ever get remarried, I am walking down the aisle to the theme song from Jaws.
January is the ex boyfriend you shouldn’t drunk text at two a.m.
Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.
That thing where I write “I” when it should be “me” because I’m not sure but I think “I” is always the smarter sounding option but it’s just flat out wrong in this situation and now I’ve exposed my stupidity to smarter people than I.
I think “How the Grinch Stole Christmas!” has given my youngest unrealistic expectations. Today, we talked about putting away the tree, and he said, “No, WE don’t have to. The Grinch is supposed to come to our house and take it away.”
Bad is when you finish the dishes then see a few more things to wash. Worse is when your wife is there so you can’t say you didn’t see them.
Day 1: Brad wears no pants
Day 2: Brad wears no pants
Day 3: Brad wears no pants
…
…This is just a bottomless Pitt
A gender-neutral equivalent of ‘sugar daddy’ is GLUCOSE GUARDIAN.
Drugs and alcohol aren’t the answer. Unless the question is why did you shit on the sidewalk last night?