Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[at work during the pandemic]

BOSS: omg what the hell

ME: I’m wearing the damn mask

BOSS: why down there though

When Kanye rapped “Jesus was a truth seeker, he got crucified/ I bought a moose from a zookeeper, I got moosified”, I felt that

Hey Chandler, wanna hang out with me, Phoebe and Monica later? We’re going to the park to open and close umbrellas in a fountain.

Crockpots are such a tease because I hate waiting 6-8 hours to eat my food that I’ve been smelling all day.

“And to my heirs, I will leave all this….”

*gestures toward 146 half-full nail polishes, all roughly the same color

I only eat mean animals: shark, crocodile, jerk chicken, etc.

me: did you know beethoven was deaf
date: the dog?
me: of course the dog

*requests Uber* *climbs in backseat*

Uber driver: “Where to?”

Me: “oh, nowhere. I just don’t like to change my diaper in the street.”

me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”

my allegiance to alligators is based on a gut feeling. you see, the crocodile deliberately looks like he wants me dead, and as soon as possible. the alligator appears to give less of a shit, generally. so i’m like, sure, that’s something we can deal with. that’s a starting point

When someone says “Idaho”, I still respond by saying “Udaho!” and I will never stop.

You dance like nobody is watching. I eat like that.

*spits out coffee* VERB IS A NOUN

I’m ready for the kind of love that sweeps you off your feet ❤️🖕❤️

*I reach for the thermostat*
*my dad runs in barking*
*neighbor’s dad starts barking*
*within seconds all the neighborhood dads are barking*

Me: We should get a bigger car.

Wife: You’re not thinking we should have another kid, right?

Me: No, I’m just tired of being able to hear the ones we do have when we are driving.

we need a 3 day weekend:
1 for errands
1 for social activities
1 for staying in bed like we’ve got some Victorian wasting disease

If you think you’re going to be in a dangerous situation, dress accordingly. Don’t wear flip-flops to a bank robbery, for example.

My kid got so bored he asked to do chores, so if you need me, I’ll be over here on my fainting couch

Life keeps reminding me that I have no idea what I’m doing

FUN PRANK: tweet “going hang gliding!!!!” then don’t tweet again for 12 years

HER: *Points to my dish* I’ll have what he’s having
ME:*Blocks plate w/ my arms* This is mine
H: No, I mea-
M:*To waiter* Tell her it’s mine

When the zombie apocalypse comes and you’re in Walmart, how will you know?

Sandal was upset at the vet yesterday, because nothing bad has ever happened to him so he thinks being weighed is a war crime, and the technician kept trying to soothe him by saying ” awww, pobrecita chancleta” (literally, “poor little flip-flop”). he’s never living this down

Remember kids, every weekend can be a three day weekend if you’re still too drunk from Thursday! 🍻

People should come with disclaimers like:
May cause drowsiness or
Will end up sleeping w/your bf or
May induce homicidal ideations

Knuckle tats:

(I)(M)(H)(U)(N)(G)(R)(Y)