New Year’s Eve 1999. My brother sneaks down to the basement. As the clocks strike midnight, he flips off all the fuses in the house and cackles as everyone loses their minds upstairs.
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[300 consecutive hours sitting at the same table]
waiter: [out of breath] and those are our local craft brews
Patients get nervous when I walk into surgery wearing my lucky cape but I didn’t go to medical school so I need all the luck I can get.
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into an optometrist*
Horse: Holy shit please help me
No amount of college can prepare you for how angry you’ll get at the way people park in the real word.
houseplants b like due to personal reasons i will be passing away…
Arguing with a woman is like being attacked by a bear…
You’re better off playing dead and hoping they get bored and walk away!
Life keeps reminding me that I have no idea what I’m doing
I don’t use gps. I’m tagged like a pet cat so when I get lost someone just returns me
Me: *coughs*
*coughs again*Husband: Are you ok?
Me: Yes.
*secretly opening the last sleeve of thin mints I don’t want to share*
Took a Pfizer Covid vaccine with a Pfizer Viagra.
Now both arms are sore
Had to stop at Walmart for golf balls. Of course they’re all the way in the back. And it occurred to me as I was going to get them that I was walking further than I can hit the damn things.
We go together like that part in the song from Grease where nobody gets the words right
Pronounces it worst shit sure sauce.
I thought I was smooth, sneaking away from my date to watch a YouTube tutorial on chopsticks, but all he did was ask in horror why I took my chopsticks into the bathroom.
Welcome to Insults Я Us, you sack of crap. Buy some stuff if you’re not too cheap. Maybe eat out of a garbage can. You’d probably like that
My daughter claimed that her knife skills are better than Chef Ramsay’s. So I tossed her a potato and asked her to peel it and she said, “With a knife?”
Don’t worry Chef Ramsay, your job is safe!
A secret about trees is that nobody knows which are which. The most confident member of any party will simply say ‘That is a Dutch Elm’ and everybody will agree. But nobody actually knows. Nobody went to tree school. It’s a woodland grift. You stand in a copse of lies.
I had surgery on my hand but I’m telling everyone it’s a “cooking injury” so I can brag about my tamale recipe
My sign? I’m a Zebra, no grey areas for me.
Narrator: Ursula was indeed a Libra. She often confused astrology with zoology.
My son said that he was bored so I told him he could vacuum, dust or clean the kitchen & Oh! Look at that!
He’s nowhere to be found.
I like to imagine that gymnastics competitions are just an elaborate game of ‘the floor is lava’.
“Excuse me, waiter? Can I get a doggy bag”
“Sorry ma’am, we only have Doge bags.”
Much leftovers
So pasta
Very taking home
Wow reheat at 350
[first person to have a houseplant]
i’d like to kill something very slowly in the privacy of my own home
hyundai called it sonata because it’s sonata good car
I left Wyoming because I got tired of scrolling all the way down to find my state.
let’s hit the petting zoo and find out which animals are ticklish
If you hate being single, imagine being with someone who sets 10 alarms to wake up each day and sleeps through every one of them.
My wife told me the one thing she really wants for Christmas and I have to say I hope she gets it because I’d really like to meet Jason Momoa.
I really had high hopes for this year though
ain’t no way there’s billions of us and nobody got superpowers