I will give Canada this. Their geese are hard to keep in a headlock.
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I need a Waze app, but for my walks. Instead of “vehicle on shoulder ahead” it says “person on trail ahead” so I can detour to avoid any human interaction.
I guess I didn’t lobby hard enough to make extroduce the word of the year.
Did you know if you weigh yourself, then take a dump, then weigh the dump & weigh yourself again, you’ll be banned from Walgreens for life?
6. me as a lawyer
You can tell they named the aardvark early in the week and the anteater on a Friday.
You don’t want to see me when you’re angry.
My spirit animal is a fat raccoon struggling to get into a dumpster
Morpheus: [holding blue and red pills]
Neo:
Morpheus: I can’t remember which one was which
I’m like 4% cute and 98% bad at math.
Her: You’ve changed.
Chameleon: Jesus, Karen, not this again.
Bank robber: This is a robbery! Nobody do anything stupid!
My wife slowly turns to face me and mouths: You are gonna die
Date a photographer. Then when it doesn’t work out you have new pics for your dating apps.
people who brush their teeth in the shower are operating on a level of efficiency i have no desire of achieving
Just heard the phrase naturally boneless chicken and that’ll keep me awake tonight.
I realize I put this off but how much weight can I lose in 2 hours?
The only way I’d get within six feet of some people is if I’m standing on their grave.
A dying fire will always attract a dad with a stick who will poke it twice and say, “…that should do it.”
So you think the sloth is the slowest land mammal in the world? Let me introduce you to my 4 year old when he needs to get ready for bed
Drove a wedge of suspicion today between the fast food employee at the first window and the one at the second.
End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face
To my friends: You smile, I smile, you hurt, I hurt, you cry, I cry, you jump off a bridge. I’m gonna miss your e-mails.
ME: well well well, look who’s about to make a killing
MURDERER: [just stabs me even harder]
I’ll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like “Damn, that name’s way cooler.”
Someone forgot to tell my body that calories after midnight don’t count
*gets arrested
*mug shot posted
*waits for modeling contract
“HOW” – dyslexic owl
You are not alone 💚
If anyone were to look at my bathroom they’d be positive some kind of a struggle took place.
But nope, it was just me getting ready.
why just edible underwear? why not an entire edible wardrobe? i wanna eat a parka off my wife before sex
Who are you going to trust, some real doctor who says it’s impossible to make you a centaur, or me, the guy with a hacksaw and half a horse?