*uses your voodoo doll as a tampon*
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Attachment isn’t when 2 ppl chat night and day. When someone emails u and adds an image or data file with it,
THAT FILE IS CALLED ATTACHMENT
My “Game of Thrones” is just me running around the mall looking for a clean toilet.
*Mom makes me take out the garbage*
*Garbage and I begin to date*
*I start taking things too fast*
*Garbage dumps me*
Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.
I’m not saying I don’t like people… but if someone walks toward me in a library, I’ll plug my headphones into the book I’m reading.
How much for the horse tornado?
Sir, that’s a carousel.
I must have it.
Phlebotomist: Have you had blood drawn before, sir?
Rambo: *semi-unintelligible* first, first part II, and last
Technology promised us hoverboards but delivered e-scooters.
My 3 year old is singing the rare 19 hour version of “Let It Go”, using only 3 words.
There is no real comfortable way to explain to your gynecologist that it’s your feet that smell.
Fancy restaurants are self-esteem destroyers because good luck not leaving an embarrassing stain on the white table cloth. Ever.
Going down to the shelter today to adopt a rotisserie chicken
[cruise]
Me: boats freak me out
Wife: listen to some music
M: how
W: there’s a band on ship
M: a what
W: a band on ship
M: *jumps overboard*
*walks into Babies R Us*
Hi I’d like to buy a baby.
“Sir we don’t-”
*I slide him a 100 dollar bill*
“This way please.”
My husband says I’m not heavy enough to make an impact when I stand on him to massage him so I now have the perfect excuse to eat all the cake
My daughter got a sticker from her teacher that said ‘resilient tortoise.’
I’ve sent her in with one to give in return, ‘patronizing hippo.’
Louis C.K. perfectly sums up Boston accents in his new special ‘Live At The Comedy Store’
Well, that should do it
My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.
No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.
Because I’m on diet, I only ate half of a donut and saved the other half for 2 minutes later.
[entering wrong password] sorry it was dark and you looked like my actual password
When someone asks me how my day is, I like to say “Still kinda pissed about Hiroshima,” & then start swearing in Japanese.
god: u can eat things twice ur size
snake: ok but how
god: go like 😮
snake:
god: then u just kinda :O
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone, BOOM…
The Onion rings. I’m sorry 😂😂😂😂
I seriously have no problem with Bill Gates putting chips in the vaccine. I do take issue with him not including dip.
Me: I like your Prince tattoo.
“It’s my mother.”
Me: Your mother is Prince?
I was driving home the other day, when suddenly a group of robbers jumped in and stole everything. They were pirates of the car I be in.
Me: *eating oatmeal in my underwear*
Her: that’s it. I’m leaving
Me: *drinking coffee in my shoe* wh… why?
Not how I expected him to come back but okay.
Badger: I’m your Guardian Angel
Me: A badger?
B: They ran out of good ones
M: ..K
*I walk toward an oncoming car*
*Badger tears my face off*