[tv announcer] Are you bloated? Tired? Unable to enjoy the activities you once loved?
[me with mouthful of chips] YEAH
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Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me: “I was born this way. You should have seen the tiny wheelchair in the ultrasound.”
“Man, people have a lot of free time on their hands,” says my husband, standing idly by our window for several minutes staring at everyone attending our neighbor’s garage sale.
“Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil..”
Him: Do you have to say that everytime we visit my mom?
Shoutout to the kitchen knob that grabbed the strings on my pants and undid them.
If you didn’t set the town on fire while covered in pigs blood, did you even go to prom?
My kid’s high school did a random search of all the lockers today and guess who’s teenager stood in front of her locker and yelled, “SHOW ME THE WARRANT!!”
[senses date is losing interest in me]
“my uncle was the guy who did the rap in Red Red Wine”
Me: I’m gonna get you dressed.
3yo: cool I’m gonna make it as hard as possible for you to do so.
Me: cool.
3yo: cool.
My grandpa went broke like 6 times trying stupid get rich quick schemes and played tennis like 5 days a week never got good and then when he died we found a bunch of sex picture that he was taking with my grandma so I’m not sure that generation was much different tbh
Me: Back to school tomorrow! Everyone ready?
14: Yeah, let me check if I have any homework.
He’s been off for 17 days.
4 when I ask to play with him: please don’t touch my toys mommy
4 when I’m trying to take a relaxing bath: please accept every toy I own immediately
People who say “Don’t shit where you eat” have clearly never heard of Chipotle
What did the boy with no hands get for christmas?
Gloves!
Just kidding, I don’t know what he got. He hasn’t opened it yet.
If you get really mad, stop and count to five. Then punch them as hard as you can. The five second delay will surprise them.
Me: I have to fast for my bloodwork tomorrow. This is absolute torture. I feel weak already.
Husband: You’ve only been fasting for an hour. ONE HOUR!
losing the office zoom costume competition to GRAPES <<<<<
I’m getting tired of my husband always borrowing lotion that I stole from his gym bag.
If I got a Roomba it would take one look around, grab it’s things, and walk out the front door muttering something about impossible working conditions
Husband: *driving*
Me: *breathing judgmentally*
*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*
Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!
Her: stop kicking everything you don’t feel like picking up under the refrigerator
Me: why
*from under the refrigerator*
*baby noises*
You think if you die with a yeast infection, you’ll rise from the dead?
Things are finally coming to a head.
~inspirational zit
Support your local cemetery
BUNNIES: I love hopping!
SNAKE WITH BUNNY EARS ON A POGO STICK: Haha yes, but shouldn’t we get home and check on our delicious babies?
None of these new apps realize all my phone contacts already hate me.
None of my boyfriends even know they’re dating me.
My 7YO was coloring in her room on her desk, now I’m wiping off the paint from every part of the house
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
When there were a lot footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of jesus’s chasing you