Help me practice my knife throwing skills.
You catch.
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Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us. We think we might be in love with your call. We made your call a mix tape.
Just remember Mom, you can’t spell “disappointment” without “appointment” which reminds me I have to be at Hooters at 9 for my interview.
I don’t need a reason to say stupid shit. I just need a venue.
wife: We just ate, why are you making pancakes?
me: They’re for the dogs
wife: Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?
me: They don’t know how
If life sucks, take a straw and you suck too
GOVERNMENT: groups of more than 2 people are banned
HUMAN CENTIPEDE: oh no
If you were the birthday gift I bought my daughter 3 months ago, where would you be hiding?
am i a vampire? i :
– look great in black
– won’t come to your home unless formally invited
– avoid natural sunlight at all costs
– will die if stabbed through the heart with a stake
He’s a 10 but so is his volume.
Get your hero name by doing something brave and seeing what the newspapers call you.
I’m Local Man.
Idea: Breathalyzer tests at the airport, to make sure you’re drunk enough
Me: sorry, I can’t take strangers from candy
Giant gummy bear handing me a person: oh no
Dear ladies,
if you compliment a man’s car when he’s standing next to it, he’ll kick the car’s tires. Please don’t make it weird by asking why we are kicking the car. Nobody asks why you rub nonexistent hair off your forehead when we tell you you look beautiful.
Darth Vader: I killed three whole planets.
Thanos: I killed half the universe.
Voldemort: I uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times.
Everyone:
Voldemort: *shakes head sadly* stupid mother’s love.
A hot guy at my job asked me if I had any plans and I told him 15 because I thought he said plants
anyone who doesn’t have a crush on me is wrong but also anyone who DOES have a crush on me is wrong too. confusing, i know!
Number one rule as a snake charmer, never fall in love.
Oh you’re a Football fan? Okay then name 3 of their albums. Yeah. That’s what I thought.
“I don’t see color.”
-dogs
Park Ranger: *Looking at morbidly obese ducks* Was this you?
Jesus: *trying to hide the rapidly multiplying bread loaves* No sir
“I think Esmerelda’s in trouble!”
“What makes you so sure, Quasimodo?”
“I have a…”
…
*sunglasses*
…
*turns to camera*
…
hunch.”
DAUGHTER: What if the moon isn’t big and far away, what if it’s close but really small?
ME: Haha, no it definitely isn’t.
[2AM]
ME:WIFE: Go to sleep.
ME: What if it is though?
[7 peaking around kitchen looking at stuff]
Me: What’s the matter, what are you looking for?
7: Can you keep it down, you’re cooking too loud and I can’t hear the TV
Mission control: what’s happening up there??
Dutch astronaut: Houston, we hebben een serieus probleem
Welcome to night club. I know it’s dark, but that’s kinda the poi–
*metal screeching*
Dammit Steve! I told you knight club is downstairs!
I love my kids but sometimes I wish the school bus would pick them up at 4:30 p.m. on Sunday.
What doesn’t kill you makes you come up with stupid clichés.
“Huh?” – Wonder Woman
{commercial for boats}
Tired of your car not knowing how to swim?
When you’re not sure if people keep waving at you you might need to ease up on the hellocinogens