In Hell, you enter email addresses & passwords using video game controllers for ever.
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[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me not
I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
Transcript of Paul Ryan’s life since endorsing Trump
A spider jumped on my wife which made her stumble backwards and fall over her bag. Oh how I laughed!
Tweet posted from the guest bedroom.
I’m not paranoid but if you’re plotting against me let me know so I can prepare some snacks beforehand.
Are wings and mini tacos okay?
Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?
Him: …
*peeks under bathroom stall*
Did you hear me?
Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.
Can’t wait for the machines to rise up and are beaten by a firmware update
Piss me off in the grocery store and I’ll get in front of you in the checkout line and pay for a single tomato with a personal check.
[to a straight couple]
Which one is the lesbian and which one is the other lesbian
BRAIN: it’s 4am u up?
ME: leave me alone
B: who was our grade 5 teacher?
M: stop
B: why’s our eye itchy?
M: I’m ignoring u
B: engage bladder
My sister and I were in an elevator and a lady got huffy and told us to speak English, so we obliged her and continued our conversation about her in English.
I can’t get you off of my mind. I need you inside of me now. C’mere, and let me devour you.
-me, to my cheese and crackers.
“As the crow flies” means something entirely different when it’s “in your living room” and you are “hiding in the closet with your cat.”
My husband’s family tree is more like a rosebush.
It’s filled with pricks.
I just had the thought “pfft. Your father can’t die before you are born,” and I believed it for a full minute. Because I’m smert.
You sit there and think about what you’ve done
-Me, leaving dishes in the sink to soak overnight
My greatest fear is waking up after being buried alive so I’ve decided to be cremated
*wakes up in cremation oven*
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
You smell of bins.
It’s only my second day picking up my son from pre-school, and I’ve already learned the best question to ask if you want more than a one-word answer: Did anyone get in trouble today?
[answering my shoe like a phone] hold on i can’t hear you let me put you on sneaker
Detective: ok forensics is finished. I’ll start here and you-
Dog cop: I’ll mark our territory
[dog cop pees around the crime scene tape]
[ first date ]
me: i’d like to see you again
chameleon: oh sorry
me: there you are
It’s a painting of dogs playing poker because cats would’ve just knocked all the cards off the table.
Marriage should be traditional. As it was in The Bible. Between a man and a rib.
A ceiling fan wont cut a bagel in half, not even on top speed
the concept of santa actually pisses me off a lot. i work hard all year to buy my kids presents, but all the credit goes to some fat old guy who squeezes down my chimney, eats my food, makes out with my wife, and disappears. this is bullshit
Satan: What’s that?
God: Babies. I made them the sweetest creatures in the universe.
Satan: I see. *invents screaming*
God: lol good one!
I hate spitting so much. In “Titanic” when Jack and Rose spit at the sea, I was done. They got what they deserved. The sea did what it had to do.