me: wow, first you drew me a bath, now breakfast?
wife: you deserve this
me: and the toaster is steady on the edge of the tub like that?
wife: we’ll find out
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“Whatever we do, let’s make sure it takes forever” – soccer players
Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line
Me: What is the thing you want most for your birthday?
6yo: A recorder.
Me: How about a pony instead?
One time I did mushrooms and played GTA and felt regret for the lives I was taking I was all “Holy shit these people have families”
[Calls boss]
I’m gonna be late…
“How late?”
*Cut to me trapped inside a tiny house made from Lego*
I’ve no idea to be honest with you…
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a potato
HER: It’s really hot in here
ME: [starts baking] oh no
Breaking Bad – Season 05 Episode 14 – Frame 640 of 2834
Her: Stop stalling and sign the divorce papers.
Me: *does “the divorce papers” in sign language* THERE I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY
do I regret it, Carol? Hell, I don’t even remember gretting it the first time!
Millipede Parent: This little piggy went to market…
*ten years later* …and this little piggy went weee all the way home.
[eating an entire extra large pizza to myself]
ME: *hears a knock on the door* THIS STALL IS TAKEN.
When I play the kazoo, I play to win
Imagine the horror of telling someone ” Let’s grab lunch sometime” and they call you expecting to actually make lunch plans with you.
Cops: THIS IS THE POLICE. COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.
Me: I can’t, my dog fell asleep on my lap.
Cops: AWWWW. OK WE’LL COME BACK LATER.
[Interview with a time traveller]
“What’s life like in the year 3000?”It’s pretty much the same as 2015 but you can download a towel
All firemen must dread the moment when they’re done for the day and have to find the strength to climb back up the pole.
The spider sees a delicious cave opening and works quickly, spinning an intricate, elegant web. She steps back, smiling at her work, tears in all of her eyes. It is brilliant.
Me: *closes my mouth after the longest and best yawn ever*
Spider: noooooooooo
Van lifers be like “we converted our minivan into a mobile home for our family of 12 with 7 pets!”
british people be having sex like:
mmmm yes splendid ah indeed scrumptious carry on good heavens i’m arriving
Him: whatcha thinkin bout?
Me [already half way out the window]: our future.
quarantine day 1: filet mignon with bordelaise sauce, charred asparagus and roasted garlic fingering potatoes
quarantine day 5: entire bag of stale marshmallows
quarantine day 7: tequila
I said goodbye to everyone at a party and then mistakenly walked into a closet and was too embarrassed to walk back out so I live here now.
<~>Fortune Cookie<~>
We see you put egg roll from buffet in purse. Very bad woman.
Glad i moved to a hip neighborhood where everyone is hot and I look like a rat who figured out how to use H&M gift card.
[tries a new move during sex to keep things interested]
wife: did you just dab
Me: You need to stop coming into our bed at night
7: I want to be next to you
Me: Aww that’s so swee…
7: You’re like an extra large hot water bag
Me:
“STOP COPYING ME!”
I yell, as my car spins out of control.