doctor: are you sexually active?
me: buddy, i’m not even regularly active
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*Workers at the pinball factory trying to go home, but the automatic swinging doors keep knocking them back inside*
wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?
me: with… with your glasses.
Well well well…if it isn’t the clothes I left in dryer last Sunday.
I’m sitting next to a beautiful woman at a bar so now it’s only a matter of time before nothing happens.
Was decorating the front yard last night and one of the neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
bank robber: EVERYONE FREEZE!
[everyone freezes]
bank robber: [recording everyone] nice! this’ll be the best mannequin challenge yet
Autocorrect just changed ‘so thirsty’ to ‘sloth irate’ and I’m slowly getting angry about it.
“a perfectly placed emoji is better than good punctuation.. ”
said No Teacher ever
GOD: That’s the last of the animals. Now add warning colors to the poison ones
ANGEL: Will do
GOD: But not all of them, keep some surprises
I put a complaint box in the break room… everyone thinks HR put it there… now I know all the crap people are saying about me…
Our parents were right all along, the music is too loud.
My friend’s band is called Duvet.
It’s a cover band.
Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.
Really not sure what’s all the fuss about the Queen’s #Nazi salute, everyone knows ‘Scissors Beat Paper’
LMAO.
good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.
H: Well, the remote was definitely broken, so I went and bought a new one.
Me:
H: Oh, and it came with this 75″ television.
This guy poured his box of raisinets directly into his bag of popcorn at the movie counter. After my initial shock I bowed to him.
My husband asked if I wanted to do something fun today so I left him home with the kids.
Marriage is easy.
Sasquatch: *to tv camera* Tonight we will try a human call and hope for a response. *clears throat* 🎵Sweet Caroline🎵
From a distance: 🎵Bah bah bah🎵
Sasquatch: You heard that! It was a human!
Camera Sasquatch: I don’t know. Could be a bird.
*snaps wife’s nighttime eye mask*
You up?
Advice tip for people: 1 stick hand in glue 2 stick hand in feather 3 now you are like bird. Impress your friend.
At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave
Me: there’s only one thing about Halloween that really scares me
Her: which is?
Me: exactly
i’d give up everything to be a small anthropomorphic woodland animal wearing victorian clothes living in a little house in a meadow and my neighbour is a goose wearing a bonnet and my only worry is will my apple pie be ready for when mrs owl comes visit me for tea time
Adobe update is ready to install *gazes longingly into the distance*, but I don’t think I am.
It turns out that when you’re asked which kid is your favorite, you’re expected to pick from your own. I know that now.
[undoes GFs bra first time]
“wow have you been practicing?”
don’t be ridiculous
[me and dog exchange glances]
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape of an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?