*shrugs*
*swipes right*
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[scrabble]
god: 43 points
angel: squid? wtf is squid?
god: it’s an animal
angel: you can’t just make up animals
god: [jim-faces into camera]
WHAT I SAID:
Woah! You look like Tina Turner on meth.WHAT I SHOULD’VE SAID:
Good Morning Honey.
Hubby got all smug when our son asked him for girl advice so I confirmed that if he wants to bag a girl like me then daddy’s the man for the job and shut that shit down
ACCEPTABLE RISK
Age 12: My parents could find out!
Age 21: This’ll either get me high or kill me!
Age 45: That might get stuck in my teeth.
I inject heroin into my arm that’s scarred from times prior, my eyes roll back into my head as my manager pounds on my door telling me I’m on in five minutes. Let’s rock I say as I grab my bass guitar, take a pull of whisky, and get into my chuckee cheese mouse band costume
We were watching a reality show with really annoying people and I said they made me wanna puke and my husband said he wanted to torch the TV and my 13yo was like “just let them be happy” and I don’t know how we raised a child who doesn’t know how to hate watch something properly.
I don’t follow washing instructions, you’re my clothes you don’t tell me what to do
During this heat wave with high humidity I’ve not wasted time combing my hair and I’m looking like a chia pet.
A diamond is forever, and so is my teen’s grudge against me for giving her a sister and not a brother 10 years ago.
At Red Robin, you can substitute bottomless broccoli for bottomless fries. . . what kind of psycho wants bottomless broccoli? And who thinks it’s a substitute for fries?
[Hospital Parking Lot]
Me: I thought we were here to get your X Ray back.
Friend: Yeah *slashing tires* this is his car.
My favorite child is the one who can always find the remote.
[The Rapture]
Me: *trapped on the ceiling like a balloon*
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
ARUGULA is my favorite vegetable whose name sounds like a car horn from the 50’s.
A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, “Do you know what tomorrow is?” and watch the panic set in.
The British are coming! The British are coming! The British have to get up early! The British swear they’ll call you in the morning!
*cold day in hell
Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?
People in Jersey say “you’re welcome” not to be polite but to remind people to say thank you.
[when we’re a quarter of the way there]
Bon Jovi: OOOOOOOOOH WE-
Me: not yet Bon Jovi
Thanks to technology, family members from across the country can still have meetings to discuss what a disappointment you are.
I yelled at my wife “Your skirt is way too short”
She replied, “That’s because it’s made for a woman. Now take it off & give it to me”
I met 500 new people in the last four months and I remember all of them just not their names or faces
Just found out you can buy more hangers. You don’t have to choose which clothes go on the 9 hangers you’ve somehow had your entire life and keep the rest in a pile.
Me: The other day I saw a bottle of wine in my fridge and pet it like it was a dog because I was so happy to see it…wait what was your question?
Them: I asked how being a mom of three boys was going, but I have my answer.
I’ve been cutting the chocolate milk with regular milk so it will go further and my kids have never noticed. I would’ve been a really good drug dealer.
in other news: 8 hours from now, half the country will be screaming about tragedy and loss b/c some dudes didnt catch a ball enough times
Some of you are boycotting sex the same way are you are boycotting owning a Maserati.
I discovered my 91-year-old Dad wearing blue surgical gloves while he ate.
Me: Uh, Dad, what are you doing?
Dad: Chicken wings are so slippery everyone should wear gloves.
This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.