Me: *curling my hair*
Olympic committee: That’s impressive, but not exactly what we are looking for.
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Peppa Pig calls emergency cabinet meeting to decide how to respond to Kanye’s provocation,
Husband: *noticing my front clasp bra* Nice, did you buy that for me?
Me: *thinking how my shoulder no longer lets me reach my hand behind my back* Yeah, babe. You like it?
Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand english ~dogs
Shout out to weather for giving me SOMETHING to talk about when I encounter neighbors.
When reading a friend’s work, always remember, it’s helpful to give brutally honest notes, especially if you have too many friends.
PR MANAGER: It’s bad, boss. The picketers are getting a lot of support.
OUTSIDE:
🎵 Oompa Loompa, Doopity Doo!
A livable wage is the least you can do!
Oompa Loompa, Doopity Dow!
When do we want it? We want it now!🎵WILLY WONKA: Ugh, why did I get them vocal training?
Caution: Cutting corners may lead to extra corners.
It helps to think of every business meeting as a game, where the object is to leave the room with fewer action items than anybody else.
A chicken running a marathon wears Ree-bokbokboks
Accurate
The craziest thing about teaching is how you will straight up meet doppelgangers of previous students. Choking back telling them to get outta here. I taught you already
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his BD cake in the break room fridge, but he is completely wrong, it wasn’t my finger.
Went to Costco for eggs. Walked out with a toaster oven, an 80 inch 4K TV, minus 1 child and no eggs.
If I ever post that I’ve hit the gym, it’s only because I lost control of my car.
GF says my bike helmet looks ridiculous, but I’d rather be “uncool” than fall and crack my head open in the middle of having sex.
wanton disregard: extreme lack of care for the well-being or rights of another individual
wonton disregard: using wontons as the target at a shooting range
Why couldn’t I have been born rich instead of so ridiculously witty?
BOSS: I need you to put these coupon stickers on all the Pick Me Up boxes
EMPLOYEE: Do you care where we place those stickers?
BOSS: Yeah, *on the box*. Don’t make me repeat myself. Idiots.
I’ve been “watching my weight” and, rest assured, it’s still there.
If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
If you want your uninvited guests to leave, seat them comfortably in the basement, then go upstairs and watch TV.
Reason to wake up early in the day:
THE EARLY BIRD GETS THE WORMReason to wake up later in the day:
THE EARLY WORM GETS EATEN
If life sucks, take a straw and you suck too
There’s a brewery right next to my kid’s karate class. I propose we combine these two businesses — call it ‘Hops n Chops’.
I finally got eight hours sleep. Took me four days but whatever.
My boyfriend wakes me up when he wants to have sex… Do I wake him up when I want to buy shoes???… No!!!
Teenager: Bae swag YOLO
Me: In better times, people who spoke gibberish like that were burned as witches.
I don’t know who’s worse, the people who sign their cats’ names on Christmas cards, or the cats who refuse to sign.
My son is an embarrassment, I’m afraid. He came back from college for Xmas, and seems mortified to find that me & his mom have gone goth.
All I’m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?