Cashier: your total comes to $59
Guy who forgets which numbers are funny: heheh nice
You Might Also Like
your emcee name is DJ + the last thing you spent money on, DJ Kitty Litter IN THA HOUUUUSE
My oldest made us all breakfast this morning, then got mad when his little brother didn’t finish the meal he had worked so hard to create.
I think I’m on to something here…
I’m sorry I thought your dog’s name was Maverick and your kid’s name was Cooper
me (under my breath): don’t let her know how awkward you are
date: what are you having
me: an ok time
If you are feeling tired, let someone see you rip the head off a stuffed animal and eat the stuffing, and then you will have lots of time to rest.
Flowers for Valentine’s Day are cool…but what she really needs is windshield wiper fluid.
[renovating house]
ME: How much to add a panic room?
CONTRACTOR: About $50,000.
ME: How about a mild anxiety room?
Exorcist: I’m here to remove the demon that has possessed you
Me: I didn’t call you
Demon: I did
I’ve been filming the couple next to me on this flight for the last 45 minutes hoping they’ll do something that could go viral. No good content so far (the woman looks very uncomfortable and the man keeps threatening to have me arrested)
STOP. PUTTING. DIARRHOEA. MEDICINE. ON. THE. BOTTOM. SHELF
James Bond: Do you expect me to talk?
Therapist: That is how these things usually work.
Russian roulette, except it’s me sneezing three times in a row while driving
Oh honey, that’s not “causing a scene”.
Here, check this out…
shampoo commercial: do you want more volume in your hair?
Medusa: absolutely not
So sick of all these stupid rules
Never confuse a colostomy bag with a whoopie cushion.
Totally ruined Grandpa’s 90th birthday.
Songs with lyrics like, “We don’t need sleep,” why are you rebelling against naps? What are you–four?
KID: I don’t need a coat
ME: baby, it’s cold outside
KID: I don’t think it’s cold
ME: it really is cold outside
KID: I will not be cold
ME: I promise it’s cold outside
[twenty more minutes of arguing]
ME: fine let’s just go
KID: daddy it’s cold outside
What’s fun about having kids is being on a Zoom work meeting from home, and your child crawls under your desk, touches your leg, and announces that you need to shave for all to hear
my idiot dog just ate a box of condom. i was gonna eat those buddy
“Clue” is a board game about people trapped in a house and one of them is a homicidal maniac who has just killed. Ages 8 and up.
[home depot]
ME: I think I like this huge decorative rock
HER: Boulder
ME: Ok [with confidence] I REALLY LOVE THIS HUGE DECORATIVE ROCK
Him: Why do you always need the last word?
Me: I don’t.
Him:
Me: I don’t really.
Him:
Me: I don’t! And that’s final.
Him:
Outdoor heaters, because some people like to do their global warming directly.
Me blacking out when I’m drunk is God’s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.
The 6 types of sex
Me: I think I’ll leave my car windows cracked so it’s not so hot later
Pollen: lol, ok
wife: What do you want for dinner?
me: What do you want me to want?
*jolts awake*
*frantically searches around*WAIT A MINUTE!
THIS FEELS LIKE ONLY 47 PILLOWS!